26 years

 What is love?  There are many ways to define it.   There is romantic love, family love, lust, friendship; what do all the different definition of love have in common? Respect, honor, loyalty, friendship, compromise, trust, honesty.   It is a strong attraction and an emotional attachment to another person. That warm fuzzy feeling!

26 years ago, November 11, at 11 am 1992, I married my friend.  We had only been dating for a couple  months.  But I felt he knew me better than most people I had known my entire life.  I actually proposed to him over the phone after a friend who knew us both jokingly encouraged me to ask him because, as she put it “we were made for each other”.   Since I was in a playful mood, I called him and asked him to marry me as soon as we hung up before I lost my nerve.    I actually was using it as an opening for a date. He didn’t accept then, but he got the message that I was interested in him. And we had our first date on September 10^th, 1992, A couple weeks later.   I tried to take my proposal back because it was meant as a lighthearted joke and I didn’t want him to be obligated to respond. But Alan would not have it, saying the proposal had to stand.   He later proposed to me the morning of October 25, after the Blue Jays won the World Series against the Braves Because he saw a blue Jay on a tree that morning and took it as a good sign that he should propose.  I don’t think that was an any crazier reason to propose than me phoning him out of the blue and proposing.   I guess, we are made for each other after all. Lol

    As we approach our 26^th anniversary I feel immense satisfaction that getting married to my best friend was the right decision in spite of the opinion from friends who thought we were rushing into it.   I recall vividly how I was feeling a couple of weeks prior to getting married.   It was an exciting period in our life. We were in love.  Our courtship although brief was filled with tenderness and romance. Chinese takeout from the Wokker, watching taped episodes of Twin Peaks in front of a wood burning fireplace. Listening to Keith Richards The first CD Alan gifted me, it was a new release and  Really good music, which I never herd before!  

And, of course watching the World Series, train rides to see each other. The world was beautiful and romantic.  We chose to have a small intimate ceremony at Osgoode Hall in Toronto, Ontario.  I remember not wanting a huge fancy wedding.   I am hesitant to be the centre of attention.   The intimacy of a small wedding perfectly suited my personality.  

The night before our wedding we drafted our vows together after dinner.   The vows were directly from our heart and soul.  The morning of our wedding we woke up early and had a leisurely breakfast and got ready to go to Osgoode Hall.   It was a cool brisk morning cloudy and overcast.  There was no stress or fuss.    Since it was Remembrance Day the traffic was light. When we got to Osgoode Hall, we were the only ones there because it the courts were closed for Remembrance Day.  I remember the sound of our shoes echoing in the empty hallway as we made our way to the chambers of the Honourable Justice Roy McMurtry, who would go on to be the Chief Justice of Ontario and a friend of Alan’s, officiated.   After the ceremony we went to lovely nearby restaurant for lunch.   It was exciting, and some lawyers from Alan’s firm stopped at our table to congratulate us having heard we got married earlier that morning. Someone sent over some wine.

After lunch we drove to Montebello Hotel in Québec for our honeymoon.   When we arrived, it was snowing lightly and our room was not ready.   We had to wait in the lounge for it.  We were too late for dinner and all they had were some sandwiches.   I remember that we were both a little grumpy.   However, in the morning I realized what a beautiful log cabin hotel we were at.  We stayed four days before going back to work. 

 Alan drove back to Toronto and I stayed in Ottawa at my condo.   However, we didn’t actually live together until February when Alan decided  to leave his law firm and practice law as a sole practitioner and moved in with me.  That was the beginning of our 26 years of marriage.    Our first five years of marriage we did a lot of traveling combining personal with business as I spoke at conferences in Sidney Australia, Melbourne Australia, Adelaide Australia, Hamilton New Zealand, Hawaii, New Mexico.   We took trips to  Venezuela, Barbados, Mexico, Fiji, Hawaii, Paris, and I traveled on my own to speak at workshops and conferences in Bogotá Columbia Lima, Peru. Alberta,  Saskatchewan. B.C.  We referred to all of our trips as honeymoons, and they all felt like it.

I admit there has been some occasional miscommunications over the years.  But thankfully never anything lasting or damaging.  We always manage to overcome those obstacles by talking through them. 

Communication is vital for a healthy relationship. Never stop talking.     When you are ready to talk have your intention be to really listen to your partner.   When your partner gets that you are really listening it breaks down barriers and opens up the heart. Don’t be afraid to admit you are wrong, or to admit you don’t know the answers. Be honest. Be real. Have integrity in all parts of your marriage. 

 Lessons over 26 years, that helped me

 In a marriage, you know your partner’s strength, weaknesses and innermost fears better than anyone. Don’t abuse that knowledge to hurt or embarrass the other.  Be an advocate for each other.  

I adore hubby.  He is attentive, supportive and fun to be around.  26 years together so far and I hope we have many, many, more wonderful years together.

 I enjoy being part of his life because he is passionate about so many things like his collection of fountain pens, music, books and cars. He often recommends things to me which I undoubtedly would also enjoy.    I trust his taste in music, movies and books.  We have a number of common interest as well as separate and independent interests.   

I admire his impeccable integrity and his authenticity.    What attracted me to him before we even met was his intelligence. I read a number of his legal opinions because we were in the same area of work, the field of aboriginal and treaty rights.  I also read speeches he drafted for others and papers he had published or delivered at conferences.   I discovered that I liked how his mind worked and how he reduced complicated legal issues to their foundation and first principles.   His style of writing was easy to read, logical and had sound reasoning.  To me this demonstrated clarity in his thinking and processing.    

We met at a Canadian bar association (CBA) conference in Ottawa where he was delivering a paper.  I had just moved to Ottawa earlier that year where he was scheduled to speak first thing in the morning at the conference.   Actually, I was there with my team, and the lawyer who incidentally encouraged me to call him months later. We all went out that evening for a lovely Indian dinner. Including my boss, Bill who was an associate of his, from his former law firm.   As it turned out I was attracted to more than his intelligence in the end. We actually had chemistry and similar interests!  And, I really liked him as a person, 26 years later and one almost 21-year-old son, it is as true today as when we first met.  I am a lucky woman to have found real love.

     

 On an interesting note, we should have met much earlier, because we had a number of friends in common and had actually been at the same conferences at the same time in previous years.   specifically, One such conference in Montréal where we remember being part of a group conversation but evidently we were not introduced to each other then.   

The following are points that I believe makes our marriage strong.

1.      Like being with each other. Love him even at their worst moods. Be respectful, even when you disagree.  

2.     Respond to conflict, Don’t react

3.     Don’t try to change each other

4.     Always say what you mean, and mean what you say.  Don’t shut down emotionally from each other

5.     Don’t intentionally say hurtful things about the other

6.     Don't bring up past mistakes.    

7.     Ask for clarification when you don’t understand one another 

8.     Never make assumptions about the other person.

9.      Keep perspective and don’t blow things out of proportion

10.   Build each other up, be supportive

11.   Have empathy, try to see things from their point of view

12.   When you do things for each other, do it with love not out of obligation

13.   Be the first to apologize after a disagreement

14.     Never walk away during an argument without first hugging.

15.   compromise  make sure your partner understands that you value their opinion

16.     Don’t be so serious, make room for laughter

17.   Keep your word

   18.   Anticipate your partner’s needs

   19.  Always chose to see the best in each other

20.  Keep it simple, fun and uncomplicated

21.  Remember we are human, and mistakes happen

22.  Be willing to forgive

Doing What I Must

in my yard a vibrant ecosystem   

Work in progress

I have been home for just a little over four months. I am writing this blog to demonstrate how adapting your ways can influence your health. You have to have an open mind and be willing to put aside any preconceived notions about health and look at the science behind various methods.   

Each day, I am getting stronger and more focused.  I credit my use of meditation for my positive mindset.  It also helps  that I am surrounded by people who are positive and encouraging.  While I was in rehab hospital I recall doing simple tasks “Did you have a B.M? asked my nurse. “yup”I  responded with a smile. and, the nurses  cheered.  They cheered when  took a step by myself. good job"! It was like having a private cheering squad. It still makes me smile. And to tell the truth it felt good. I think, it is because behind their cheers was an authentic intention to help. Their enthusiasm for my accomplishing the simple stuff encouraged me to do the more difficult things.    

I admit that the past four months has had its challenges; however, it is nothing that I couldn't handle. I made sure to  continue some of the strategies I learned in rehab. For example, I made sure when I was talking to people they were on my left side, where I have a vision deficit.  I would consciously place items on my left side so that I would be forced to look for them there, and I also bought and installed an app that challenged me to use my brain.  And, over the summer I regularly walked in the evenings. 

Each day, I start my day with meditation. The insights that come up while meditating create an opportunity for introspection and problem-solving.  I have been reading and listening to inspiring podcasts that provide an understanding of how our bodies work, and in particular, how our digestion and gut work. It turns out that this is pretty important to maintaining a healthy system. There is a group of doctors who investigate and follow studies under the heading of Functional Medicine, which is basically looking for the causes of our diseases and not just treating the symptoms, which is much of what conventional medicine does. One of my favorite podcasts is Dr. Hyman’s Doctor’s farmacy. And broken brain.

 It is really exciting, because the research is showing that simply  eating the right foods, exercising, taking time for ourselves in meditation, and creating a positive mindset can improve ones overall health. This is to some extent the same type of advice we are used to hearing from our general practitioner. However, how many of us pay attention to it, and there is a scientific basis for it.

I am of the belief that each of us is responsible for maintaining our health. It is our responsibility to be mindful and protect our health while we still can.

It is really an exciting time for me. I am curious and willing to investigate all avenues to ensure I have the right information to improve my health. When I first embarked on this journey I decided that I would be open to receiving information and to follow a regimen that will enhance and support my healing. 

Interestingly, I even surprised myself. I have been a long time vegetarian, over 20 years in fact.  However my research revealed I have been depriving myself of a key food item to build healthy muscles and protein, which is red meat, and in particular organs, like liver, and kidneys. Adding bone broth is an easy way to introduce meat back into your diet. As I studied the science behind it, I realized that my days of being a vegetarian would be over if I wanted to get healthier. The way I look at it, if eating meat, is the simplest change I could make to improve my overall health, then why wouldn't I? I am able to get around most of the time without any aids. I have energy and I am upbeat and positive.

However The thought of eating meat, specifically red meat, was not a pleasant one for me, however, Once I made the decision to go back to eating meat it was easy because I had a reason for doing that. And my aversion to eating meat took a backseat to my need to get healthier.  I wanted to support my brain function .  It goes without saying that I would I be eating only wild meats and fish, and whole foods, stuff that is grown in the ground.   Thankfully, I planted a garden in the spring.  and I stayed away from all processed foods already.  A large part of the protocol is to consume at least 6 to 9 cups of greens and fruit daily. Wow. that is a lot.  

Indeed At first, it seemed impossible to consume that much greens and fruits until I decided to blend

green smoothie Kale, dates, banana, Water 

them and then it became more manageable I could sip on a smoothie throughout the day that was filled with the nutrients that my mitochondria required to operate optimally.  I have eliminated from my diet wheat, grains and artificial foods.  There is tons of information out there and many varying diets, but we must be attentive and research extensively before embarking down a particular path. Also, it is important to advise your doctor of any changes you are thinking of. I have been following Dr. Wahl’s protocol. It really resonated with me and is backed by scientific data. What impressed me about her approach was. She has Tenacity and determination to overcome and to maintain a quality lifestyle to address the issues she was experiencing after her MS diagnosis. Her story is nothing short of inspiring. If you are experiencing any autoimmune disease or inflammation, pain, etc. I highly recommend you start reading her book and begin eating your way to a healthier you.

In a million years, I never thought that I would ever eat meat again.  Thankfully,  being open minded.  I didn't dismiss the idea off hand before even giving it an honest try.     

Since I've been home, and eating a healthier diet, I sleep better, and my thought processing is getting sharper.  Overall, I am pleased with my progress.   Another side benefit from adopting this protocol, and I didn't even think about it until I began writing this blog piece is that the chronic pain I experienced in my lower back before is gone. If you're interested in reading about functional medicine drop me a line and I will send you a recommended reading list, Or follow the links in this blog post. Be Well.