Cultural Genocide is Trauma

 

During the course of the last seven months my mind has been preoccupied with the notion of trauma.  to understand better as to how trauma has affected me personally I studied trauma, and decided to look   to my own. I didn't have to go too far back.    

When I was a young girl, 10 years old I was living with an older brother and his wife.   One evening hearing a commotion outside my door I opened the bedroom door to witness them arguing.  Very quickly the argument escalated to a physical confrontation.  Quickly I shut the door and covered my ears to block what was going on as hard as I tried I could not get the image out of my mind.  This incident had a huge impact on me, I became fearful of intoxicated people,  and anyone who would raise their voice and look like they were going to lose their cool.  To this day I avoid confrontation of any sort. 

Recounting the story has a visceral effect on my body, heart pounding, hands sweaty. as I reflected more, I clearly saw not only my own trauma but  trauma in others.  My first step to healing was to recognize the  trauma within me.   

Deep  connection, support, and social cohesion, are necessary requirements of healing our own   trauma. 

we must remember our songs,  dances, and stories.  The photograph above is of my niece who is passionate about connecting to her indigenous culture.   Our journey to healing will take many avenues. 

The Summer Of Transformation

 

 

I DECLARE I AM A CAUSE FOR COMPASSIONATE INQUIRY INTO TRAUMA as the source for addictions in FIRST NATION COMMUNITIES

 

Inasmuch as the world stopped for many in early March 2020, it did not stop for me.

 

Since the beginning of March I have had two tragic and heartbreaking losses, first, my brother, Pat, and then my oldest sister, Liz. 

 

I embraced my vulnerability and accepted it as part of my journey that I needed to walk.  And I embarked on my next challenge.

 

A leader in the Dene community inspired me to take a 12 week leadership course, Being A Leader facilitated by Unstoppable Conversations. This was his project  when he took the course. 

I just completed the last session this week.  And of course, this would have little meaning if I also didn't experience a transformation.  In the last week of the course I  took responsibility for an action to occur that would make a profound difference for the organization I lead.  It was not easy, as it never is when making difficult decisions. 

 

The fallout from these actions is ongoing as I disrupted business as usual.  And I suspect it will continue.   As a leader, I am confident that actions that were taken will stand the organization in good stead for years to come.  Taking being a leader course left me with a greater appreciation for my word and how I hold others to their word. That was a game changer for me.  And upgraded the caliber of being a leader.

 

Disruption is an opportunity to start a new.

 

Among the many lessons the course revealed, an important and vital lesson I learned is that to have  authenticity I must first look at myself and where I lacked authenticity.

 

This inquiry led me to discover that I often lack authenticity by my being extremely nice.  The basis of this behavior is rooted in childhood trauma and I decided early on I wanted to be liked and accepted, and I didn’t ever want to hurt people’s feelings. 

The downside to this behaviour is I would hold back from truthfully saying what needed to be said. Numerous times the facilitator said to me Angelina, you are being too nice!  Obviously, the only person I was fooling is myself. Being too nice is ineffective and stops your growth.  

 

An aspect of being a leader is to know what you stand for and, to make a declaration on what that is.  This is just the first step. Your actions moving forward will speak to what you have declared.

 

Again, I cannot emphasize more strongly, that when speaking your truth, it is important that you speak from a place of authenticity because, no matter what words you use, if you lack authenticity everything you do will fall like a house of cards.  And that does not serve anyone.

 

 moreover,  It is not about trying to be a leader; it is about taking on leadership like you would take on being yourself, as mom, or dad,   It is not separate from who you are being. And through my participation in the course I can show up being a leader.

 

The insight that I received over the 12 weeks would not have been possible had I not been inspired by Norman Yakeleya, Dene National Chief, who took the course before me. Thank you, Norman.  You will never realize how many people  are impacted by being the leader you are. 

 

In the last Zoom session in the course, it surprised me when everyone was acknowledging the facilitators for their insight in helping the course be as successful as it was.  I got emotional. I really took on that they were showing up and creating space to make a difference for the 60 people worldwide who participated. As stated earlier the impact those beyond the 60 people to all the people they Inspired. In turn each of those  people through their project are impacting many more people.  As people revealed their transformation one by one. I eyewitnessed a confidence and distinct uncovering of their true authentic selves. These 60 people, which I am one,  awakened their purpose and created an action plan to make it happen on a humanitarian level. bravo!

 

As part of the course, each participant choose to undertake a project to demonstrate their new understanding of leadership.  These projects revealed will  make the world a better place.  Examples are;

 

1.    Teaching illiterate mothers in Bangladesh English, so they can create a possibility of a better life for their children.  To empower women is to empower the entire community. 

2.    Farm radio Internationally, 40 African farming communities in rural Africa, empowering them to help themselves, by:

·       Securing increased funding

·      Impact on ownership and forming responsible partnerships in rural Africa

 

3.    Investigating the correlation of toxicity from the oilsands upstream from Fort Chipewyan Alberta on health and the high rates of rare bile cancers among members and offering them a possibility for optimum health. (My project, but did not get off the ground due to the person I partnered with did not provide me with the studies on toxicity.)

 

4.    Changing a teaching paradigm for First Nations communities of how we  address  addictions by, incorporating compassionate inquiry and looking at trauma as the cause of addictions moving away from seeing addictions as a disease. (The project I took on halfway through the course I changed the focus of my project, identified Dr. Gabor Maté as my partner. We will start the project in September, after he completes his latest book.)

 

5.    Humanizing the delivery of  services to Canada. Creating a new standard that reduces bureaucracy in favor of humanizing government delivery of services.

 

6.     A father's project to create a path forward for independence for his son, resulted in creating a more desirable relationship among his entire family, based on communication.  Being present with each other, listening, and being heard.

 

7.    People who resisted speaking up, stepped up and spoke revealing vulnerabilities and their authenticity.

 

8.    A project to provide care for the elderly project designed to provide a safer institution for elders what the policy is  based on  kindness and compassion for the elderly.    

 

Indeed, the course delivered and surpassed on its promise to give us the tools to allow participants to discover for themselves, and allow for true transformation to occur.

 

We leave the course literally as  transformed  people,  truly leaders,  and   folks I am proud to call friends  to walk with on my journey.    

 

PICTURE THIS! (BECAUSE I CAN'T)

"I tasted it in reality, and that was all I got. A one time deal. I can’t taste it again in my imagination." -Brian Leibold

I discovered that I have aphantasia. Discovered in 1880, and coined it  in 2015 by  cognitive and behavioral  neurology scientists, Adam Zeman in the UK.  

I found out I had it quite accidentally, during a conversation. What this means for me,  is that I don't see images in my head.  Crazy.  It means that I have a condition that only 1 to 3 per cent of the world's population has. It never occurred to me even to investigate this phenomenon. I never knew that other people have a superpower of generating pictures just using their mind! Who would have thought?

 

Prior to a few days ago, I never gave it a second thought. Incidentally during a conversation with my daughter, I discovered I could not visualize what she was saying. Whenever I shut my eyes all I get is black with a bright/ light spot - I can't picture anything in my head at all.

 

There was an aha! moment for me, and I suddenly understood why I am geographically challenged. I cannot envision lakes, rivers on a map. And further it now made perfect sense that when I was talking to designers who were designing either my layout of the kitchen, bathroom, or landscaping I could not envision what they were creating until it was completed.  

Until today I always thought that when people said they saw images it was more like a metaphor ... or like remembering.  It is interesting  to find out because I never knew what it meant to imagine something visually. I always thought that it was an intellectual process and not a situation of conjuring up a visual image with the mind. This knowledge does not change anything, although it does help me understand to some extent how my brain works.

 

For me, I connect through my feelings. My memory works by connecting events that have taken place directly to how I felt about it. When I tried to remember somebody, I don't get an image of them in my head; instead I get a feeling of them. Oliver Sacks, a neurologist and author, wrote a book titled The Man Who  The Man who mistook his wife for a hat. 

 

It is difficult to explain.  I think it is like all the data is stored in my brain like on a hard drive and can be reassembled when needed. But it is not stored as a picture.

 

That is pretty freaky because if – like most people - you can see in pictures it must be hard to believe that others can’t do that because it seems so natural to you.  Another insight into that amazing organ, the human brain!

Ten little Indian boys

Yesterday  was Father’s Day

A typical day growing up in a house full of siblings...

My dad, Isidor Deranger was a man of few words. But he revelled in telling stories.  He always made  them sound so fascinating. I wish I had his talent for making a simple hunting story sound like an amazing adventure.

I grew up in a large Dene family. Indeed we had a humble beginning. But what we lacked in material stuff, my father made up for by his  exciting  stories, and visions of the future.

I grew up in a house with ten brothers who all enjoyed reading, so there were always plenty of books around.

I remember picking up one of my brothers’ books when I was 11 and read it. The story was so  captivating. As I read it, it unfolded much like a movie in my mind.  Instantly I fell in love with books. It was the gateway to escape from the chaos in the home.  in the evening when it got dark we used a homemade   candle  was called " bitch light, which is  a makeshift candle made with oil and a cotton rag. 

 My brother's book was John Stienbeck’s The Grapes of Wrath. perhaps this is why I like blogging, chronicling bits and pieces of my life. Possibly my childhood might be boring to most but I am cognizant that it definitely is  unique and special.

First, I am Indigenous. Secondly, I had 10 brothers. That in itself is crazy. Not the Indigenous part, but the ten brothers part.

How many people grew up with 10 brothers, in a small log cabin that did not have electricity or plumbing? 

But most importantly my mom was a force to be reckoned with and her OCD about cleanliness, that kept my sisters and I constantly occupied with cleaning is a separate story in itself.

When I pick a subject to blog, I am careful to not portray myself as a victim, at the same time, I don’t over exaggerate my blessings. I like things to be simple and straightforward and if you read it to the end and have felt entertained, or learned something new then I am satisfied.

 as I mentioned,In my formative years we lived in a small log cabin that my father built.  We had a wood stove in the middle of the living room. The woody fragrance coming from the burning logs in the stove and constant flurry of activity around, comforts me as I got older. We slept four or five to a bed. And we had three bedrooms. The boys had their own room.

 In the dog days of summer, my Dad would put the wood stove outside so, when my mom baked bread it would not make the house uncomfortably hot. There was no television.  We created our own amusement. Music coming from a small transistor radio which my brothers hooked a ground wire to was our entertainment. It gave us access to  630 CHED, a local radio station 24/7. my brothers  enjoyed reading comic books, and  would  trade with the neighborhood children. 

In the afternoon my Dad would take my brothers  and walk down to the lake to get water, while mom and the girls prepared dinner. Dad fashioned an apparatus out of wood that allowed him to carry two large pails of water, one on each side.  the board rested on his shoulders. We could hear their  chatter getting fainter and fainter as they walked further away from the house and  all that was left was silence. Their phantom laughter often hung in the air until we would hear them again in the distance upon their return as their laughter penetrated the silence.

Summers were enjoyable. Our Cree neighbour would have tea dances, lively music would emanate  from their home. We were never invited because we were too young. The  dancing fiddle music would last into the wee hours of the morning.

We often would make up stories in the dark about what we thought our neighbours were up to and when we got tired of them, we would make up ghost stories until we were more sleepy than scared,  and then fell asleep.

Angelina in front of an  earlier log cabin. 

 picture of my dad in the Chip  Museum. 

FINAL GOODBYE 1937-2020

Elizabeth Goodwin (Deranger) 10/31/1937-06/20/20

GOODBYE DEAREST SISTER

First born of sixteen

forever in our heart


right from the start

We wish

you’d stay like a precious memory

loving you forever is not hard


with all your might you fought

time stopped  

minutes slowly float



A strong force binds your love to  us
 your beauty

  lives on in our heart

You are home


 you're free

Liz (Deranger) King/Goodwin/ 

  

RCMP GONE WILD IN CANADA

SOCIETY IN CHAOS

Chief Allan Adam 2020

We all have opinions. And sometimes we will express them without the full story being revealed. Our biases and our prejudices fill in the blanks.  We believe that our opinions hold the truth. We become indignant if we are contradicted. Even judgmental. You only have to read the comments to see this  unfolding. Even when we don’t have all the facts.

This a story which has got a lot of traction on social media. It involves a high profile  chief. I watched a short video this morning and read the comments. It was recorded by the dash camera on a police cruiser. It is the story about an Indigenous Chief, beaten by the RCMP. The video does  show the beating.

FACTS

·      He is an Indigenous Chief

·      His license plate was expired.

·      His vehicle was stopped by RCMP outside a casino.

·      He was not driving.

·      He was in the passenger seat

·      Officer manhandled his wife. This put the chief over the edge. 

·      He swore at the officer.

·      He took his jacket off and assumed a fighting stance.

·      A policeman jumped on him and they fall to the ground.

·      The policeman punched him in the head with a closed fist.

·      Police called for backup.

·      Six additional police arrived.

The  incident occurred in Fort McMurray, Alberta.  and not on the reserve.   Many after seeing the casino in the background assumed it was on the reserve.  That in itself is a racist assumption.  

Was there excessive force? Could the police have de-escalate the situation?

Did the Chief need to be beaten by two police officers to contain him?

The Chief in the story is Chief Allan Adam, a Dene from my community, the Athabasca Dene First Nation.  Honestly, Chief Adam is a bit of a hothead. In spite of the fact I felt a sickening in the pit of my stomach watching the video, and knowing what kind of comments it would generate from people who have a low tolerance of indigenous peoples.  that said, he is a strong advocate for our community. He has been anti-oil which has gotten him some negative publicity, and he has attracted enemies from the oil industry.

Indeed, he has a strong personality. In the community, he has encouraged self-sufficiency and independence, helped build a grocery store to compete against the high costs of groceries in the community with one only other store, the Northern Store (formerly the Hudson’s Bay Company). He is an activist protecting the environment.

But none of that has any bearing on why the RCMP felt they had the right to beat him up. The only explanation is that the officer believed that the Chief’s life does not matter. He could have, either impounded the vehicle, or given the Chief a ticket for driving without proper stickers.  He could have given him a warning. But he did not.

In today's climate of police brutality with overstepping people's rights, it is even more important to continue the pressure to keep their actions accountable and humane.

More importantly, we also must critically look at these stories, without jumping to conclusions or making assumptions. Because whether we admit it or not, our biases and prejudice will colour our judgment.

This story it is clear because we have the recording. What would have been the story had there been no video?  Interestingly, the officers knew they were being videoed, and that did not stop the excessive force. What does that say about them?  About our society?

I have read some of the comments of the released video of the incident on social media. Are people proud of what they write? Fortunately, the camera footage had a direct view of chief Adam.

In my opinion, this story has no gray area. The RCMP were in the wrong here.  They were never in danger of their life. Nor was  the public was  in danger. Excessive force was not required. Ego and non-discipline officers got in the way of handling the incident with appropriateness.

It is time for the police to show up for the community as mature thinking adults, not as hotheaded, emotionally immature thugs. The Chief is a human being.  A father, a husband, brother, a son.  He is a leader in his community. They showed him no respect.

The RCMP has a huge image problem. While I understand that an apology could not be considered in an active court case, due to liability, or some such nonsense.  Still, one must be issued.

An apology that includes action steps to repair the relationship between Indigenous communities and the RCMP. Furthermore, it should come with a promise that identifies clear steps of accountability to ensure that this type of incident will never occur again. The thing to consider is what kind of payoff is there to not issuing an apology?  Or will they wait until someone dies?

We don’t need a George Floyd in Canada, and Certainly not  have it be my chief. CHARGES DROPPED 

Please donate to his legal fees  

THE GIFT

The Gift of the pandemic of 2020

At this point in the pandemic the last thing we want to think about is the gift it is presenting to us. We have pandemic fatigue. However, we might want to consider the possibility it has provided us a gift. Absolutely we are frustrated by the uncertainty and of being told what we cannot do. To some it might even seem to be limiting our innate rights to freely move about in society, and many feel that the government has no right to tell us to stop.

There has to be something in it for us it seems. 

We are social creatures and we need our community to thrive.  The frustration we are feeling during the pandemic is our basic need to be social, for human contact. Being forced to shelter in place is difficult and goes against our human instinct to socialize.  

But it is also teaching us life lessons, and forcing us to be creative, to prioritize what is important. People are learning new skills. Friends of mine are baking sourdough bread, experimenting with new recipes, gardening.  I have been reading and listening to podcasts in my quest for learning.  I have germinated seeds, something I have never done before. 

seeds

Ultimately, these restrictions on our freedom means that we will have a healthy life at the end of the lockdown. That is, if we stick to the rules of safe distancing. We get that, yet there is still some resistance, and justifications promoted by conspiracy theories, that the government is trying to control the human population. or that the virus was created in a lab and released to the population to control them. That perspective is not helpful, and misses the lessons we should be learning. 

The point for me is not that the government is trying to control its people, but rather how we as humans are responding to our responsibility of keeping the people we love safe.   The resistance to being told to do something even if it is for our own good will be an uphill battle. If we feel deep down our quality of life is reduced, there will always be resistance.

Have you considered why the front-line workers continue to do their job in the face of this danger?Because they are fulfilling a noble cause. And it is for the greater good they are willing to put themselves in danger in spite of their fear they are experiencing daily. It is not because they are fearless, they do it for the good of all daily. 

When I was in recovery from my stroke, I understood that my condition was dangerous, and that I shouldn't drive.  I voluntarily did not to not drive for over a year until, finally, my doctor sent the letter to Ontario Ministry of Transportation, and my license was revoked. For a whole year it didn't bother me that I didn't drive but I hated that now I was told I couldn’t. I was angry even as I rationally knew that it was for my own good, and God forbid if I injured somebody. Feeling this resistance is also normal. While the decision was in my hands it was my decision. Now that decision was taken away.

So, here we are in a pandemic we are told for our own good we should not be going into public, and many nonessential services are closed.  I get it. There are many unknowns about this virus. It is natural to feel fear. Have you thought about why frontline workers, such as nurses, doctors and police continue to do their job in the face of danger? It is not because they are fearless, it is because they believe what they are doing is for the greater good. It is a noble cause. 

What I find helpful is a change in my perspective anytime I am faced with the challenge, and this is no different.  I don’t view my limited freedom due to the virus as a sacrifice.

My niece

I viewed it as a noble cause. I am doing it to prevent the spread of the virus to those I love and others I don't even know, because they deserve to be safe and have a healthy life too.   It is an action of love, particularly to those with compromised immune system. And this is the gift, and the lesson pandemic is giving me. It is showing us we are not separate; we are interconnected.

We must collectively adopt new behaviours in order to stop the spread the virus by our behavior. For example, washing our hands, staying home, keeping a safe distance when we are out. Viewing my actions as a noble cause created a space where I could comfortably lean into staying at home without resentment towards the government. In the same way I viewed my license being revoked.

The second lesson of this pandemic is that we know we must adapt our previous way of doing business. To some it might even be a welcome change. The realization that we can conduct the majority of our business on Zoom, perhaps reducing time traveling, being away from home and not facing the lineups at the airport, staying in hotels etc. The question I asked myself is how do I want this change to look like? How will I adapt to post pandemic 2020? I won't go into it in this blog post, however, it is definitely a subject matter I would love to explore in a future blog.

The natural world order is impermanence.  Things never stay the same.  Change happens. At the end of the day the virus has a lifecycle and will die, in large part if we don’t resist the calls for safe distancing, frequent washing hands to protect the vulnerable. Ultimately it is up to us individually and collectively.

Also, the prediction is it will likely resurface in the fall.  And then the post pandemic measures in place will have to be extended.   The question for me becomes how many souls am I willing to see die because I resisted safe measures being asked of me.  What if it was somebody I loved?

My answer naturally is I am not willing to allow any human die because of my recklessness. I have a moral, ethical responsibility to do my part in not spreading the virus. More importantly to do it within the framework of a noble cause, with love and caring for all beings. I know, I am not being naïve when I say that the majority of the population also has this view. 

Some actions to help change your perspective while staying home during the pandemic:

1.     Know that you are not alone. What you’re feeling is normal.  

2.     Create new spaces in your home, for reading, meditation and, relaxation, ritual, ceremony.

3.     Spend time out in nature. Take a long mindful walk.

4.     Be playful, childlike, with a sense of wonder and newness.  Be curious, but safe.  

5.     Spend time with people who inspire you to see anew.

6.     Dare to dream big of the future, in high definition. Imagine how you want your world to look like post pandemic. How will you change the inequalities, where the most impacted were the underprivileged?

7.     Contact your peers by phone, on social media, or text.

8.     Take a moment to pause.  

9.     Slow down.

10.  Think.

    

I know that we are all dealing with different realities.  I am lucky to have a supportive family, a large house and beautiful surroundings by the Ottawa River.  But I might trade a lot of that to have my sight back and for my body to be strong again.  Others may be physically healthy but have other challenges.  Our lives are in a way a lottery.  But I leave you with this: what we can control, and maybe all we can control, is our reaction to what life throws at us.  Especially in a time of crisis.