I like to pretend that
people live forever because the alternative is too cruel to embrace. The truth
is that I must face reality and that reality is of my mortality and that of all living beings. The only thing I can do is to seize it tightly,
letting the emotions surface and accept the tears as they flow freely. One of my brothers said to me after I heard
about my other brother’s death earlier this month: “We are born, live, and die, alone.” It only took me a second to
understand what he meant.
We experience life independently
from others. Our perspective is shaped
by our brief time on this earth. No two experiences
are the same, even if we experience the event with someone.
The news of my brother’s
passing literally stopped my breath. My
reality crumbled and shattered into tiny pieces. I had no control. The immense pressure was
too strong to ignore; I could physically feel my world disappearing. At the
moment I caught my breath and the realization sunk in that my life would continue
without my brother, Billy, and my life was forever changed. The next few days I
was in a daze as I began to go through the motions of saying good bye to Billy.
The family went into
immediate action, taking care of the million things that need to be done. This process and all the activities I
understand now are designed to reinforce the acceptance of death. Picking the grave plot. Preparing the wake. Praying, praying, praying so hard. Scheduling the church service. Identifying someone to do the eulogy, the
reading of verse, singing and drumming.
Finally, as the body is slowly leaving the church, drums beating
rhythmically in step as we said our final farewell, mingled with tears and sobs. Knowing that this is final, small bursts of
emotion ripple throughout the mourners. The end. Gone
forever. All that remains is what is in
our heart and memory, souvenirs to be safeguarded.
For me, this entire practice
reinforced the value of tradition. Why
we do certain things and the manner in which we do them. Why it is important to do everything with
respect and honour. I now understand
there is a dual purpose for undertaking certain rituals. It is for the recently departed and for those
left grieving.
I believe it is important
that everyone affected by the death ought to take an active part in these rituals. Not only by attending the wake and funeral
but by contributing, either by helping out in the preparation of the space
where the body will lay during the wake, or cleaning up, setting up the chairs.
Even something as little as perhaps serving tea and coffee to the family as
they mourn is helpful.
Furthermore the significance of food preparation has to
be contemplated. Why do we do this? Preparing food for the wake and feast is an
honour. It does not have to be
elaborate, only that it be done keeping in mind this is the last meal you will
offer the deceased. In my Dene culture, the drumming, prayers, and food are all meant to help the
transition into the spirit world.
It is clear that actively
participating in the process helps the living accept the recent death. Not only
that but it unites the people grieving. In the doing, we know that everything we are
doing for the loved one, who passed, is to assist in their continued journey
into the spirit world. As we do, we
contemplate our relationship with them, we remember stories, and we say
good-bye. Someone suggested we arrange the chairs in a circle, and we went clockwise as each one of us told stories of their relationship with Billy. Some were funny stories, and it was nice to think about him in shared laugher. Billy was an ironic man, and enjoyed playing jokes on people. He wear a big smile and glint in his eye that always served to lighten my day no matter what he was going through.
I feel like these mourning rituals are essential. And to be part of this is a spiritual ritual is an enormous honour. it is important that the
younger generation learn the traditions. To learn the meaning behind these rituals, the
prayers, the songs, and the preparation of food are all part of the ceremony. We owe it our loved ones and to ourselves to
ensure that they are given a respectful wake and funeral.
1951-2012
God Speed my dear brother
Billy.
