ACTUALLY, YOU CAN HELP WHO YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH

                                                                            2010

28 years ago I met a man I had a crush on in person at a law conference in Ottawa.

My crush on him started a couple years prior to us actually meeting each other.  I read a couple of speeches he wrote for the then Attorney General of Ontario, Roy McMurtry. in addition, I also read a number of legal opinions he had written on treaty and aboriginal rights.  To clarify, I had a crush on his brain, his intellect. Who is this man?  He made complex legal arguments understandable.  This said to me that he knew his area of specialty, and he also had a clear and uncluttered mind. As it turned out we knew a number of people in common. 

That lucky day in Ottawa, we spent the whole afternoon getting to know each other  after his presentation. Later that evening we had dinner at Sitar,  an Indian restaurant with lawyers we both knew, my current boss and a lawyer I worked with before I moved to Ottawa.  By the end of the dinner I knew this was the man I wanted to marry.  He was intellectually stimulating and we also had chemistry.  And although he said he would call he didn't.  And we didn't see each other until that fall at a business meeting in Toronto we had. 

To be sure, our 28 years of marriage had its challenges, but nothing we couldn't overcome.  Not long after our marriage Alan drafted the beginnings of a novel. It described eerily perfectly the view of our future house from the river shore, before we even thought of selling my condominium in Ottawa and moving to the country.  Recently, after minor changes to his manuscript, I convinced him to go back and complete his novel.  I am so excited to see it finally completed and in print.  

The reason I believe we can choose the person we fall in love with is because I had a clear vision of who I wanted to spend my life with, someone who is not run by his ego or his profession. Who is intelligent, authentic and has integrity.  Alan is all of this and more.  In fact, while we were dating I said something to the effect that he was a nice man.  He didn't want to be known as "nice."  I think he wanted to be described as a wild man! 

I am grateful to have met and married such a beautiful wild man who knows me like no one else in the world.  He is my best friend.  Happy anniversary darling. I am so blessed you said yes when I proposed, and when you were ready I said yes when you proposed.  

November 11,1992

 

26 years

 What is love?  There are many ways to define it.   There is romantic love, family love, lust, friendship; what do all the different definition of love have in common? Respect, honor, loyalty, friendship, compromise, trust, honesty.   It is a strong attraction and an emotional attachment to another person. That warm fuzzy feeling!

26 years ago, November 11, at 11 am 1992, I married my friend.  We had only been dating for a couple  months.  But I felt he knew me better than most people I had known my entire life.  I actually proposed to him over the phone after a friend who knew us both jokingly encouraged me to ask him because, as she put it “we were made for each other”.   Since I was in a playful mood, I called him and asked him to marry me as soon as we hung up before I lost my nerve.    I actually was using it as an opening for a date. He didn’t accept then, but he got the message that I was interested in him. And we had our first date on September 10^th, 1992, A couple weeks later.   I tried to take my proposal back because it was meant as a lighthearted joke and I didn’t want him to be obligated to respond. But Alan would not have it, saying the proposal had to stand.   He later proposed to me the morning of October 25, after the Blue Jays won the World Series against the Braves Because he saw a blue Jay on a tree that morning and took it as a good sign that he should propose.  I don’t think that was an any crazier reason to propose than me phoning him out of the blue and proposing.   I guess, we are made for each other after all. Lol

    As we approach our 26^th anniversary I feel immense satisfaction that getting married to my best friend was the right decision in spite of the opinion from friends who thought we were rushing into it.   I recall vividly how I was feeling a couple of weeks prior to getting married.   It was an exciting period in our life. We were in love.  Our courtship although brief was filled with tenderness and romance. Chinese takeout from the Wokker, watching taped episodes of Twin Peaks in front of a wood burning fireplace. Listening to Keith Richards The first CD Alan gifted me, it was a new release and  Really good music, which I never herd before!  

And, of course watching the World Series, train rides to see each other. The world was beautiful and romantic.  We chose to have a small intimate ceremony at Osgoode Hall in Toronto, Ontario.  I remember not wanting a huge fancy wedding.   I am hesitant to be the centre of attention.   The intimacy of a small wedding perfectly suited my personality.  

The night before our wedding we drafted our vows together after dinner.   The vows were directly from our heart and soul.  The morning of our wedding we woke up early and had a leisurely breakfast and got ready to go to Osgoode Hall.   It was a cool brisk morning cloudy and overcast.  There was no stress or fuss.    Since it was Remembrance Day the traffic was light. When we got to Osgoode Hall, we were the only ones there because it the courts were closed for Remembrance Day.  I remember the sound of our shoes echoing in the empty hallway as we made our way to the chambers of the Honourable Justice Roy McMurtry, who would go on to be the Chief Justice of Ontario and a friend of Alan’s, officiated.   After the ceremony we went to lovely nearby restaurant for lunch.   It was exciting, and some lawyers from Alan’s firm stopped at our table to congratulate us having heard we got married earlier that morning. Someone sent over some wine.

After lunch we drove to Montebello Hotel in Québec for our honeymoon.   When we arrived, it was snowing lightly and our room was not ready.   We had to wait in the lounge for it.  We were too late for dinner and all they had were some sandwiches.   I remember that we were both a little grumpy.   However, in the morning I realized what a beautiful log cabin hotel we were at.  We stayed four days before going back to work. 

 Alan drove back to Toronto and I stayed in Ottawa at my condo.   However, we didn’t actually live together until February when Alan decided  to leave his law firm and practice law as a sole practitioner and moved in with me.  That was the beginning of our 26 years of marriage.    Our first five years of marriage we did a lot of traveling combining personal with business as I spoke at conferences in Sidney Australia, Melbourne Australia, Adelaide Australia, Hamilton New Zealand, Hawaii, New Mexico.   We took trips to  Venezuela, Barbados, Mexico, Fiji, Hawaii, Paris, and I traveled on my own to speak at workshops and conferences in Bogotá Columbia Lima, Peru. Alberta,  Saskatchewan. B.C.  We referred to all of our trips as honeymoons, and they all felt like it.

I admit there has been some occasional miscommunications over the years.  But thankfully never anything lasting or damaging.  We always manage to overcome those obstacles by talking through them. 

Communication is vital for a healthy relationship. Never stop talking.     When you are ready to talk have your intention be to really listen to your partner.   When your partner gets that you are really listening it breaks down barriers and opens up the heart. Don’t be afraid to admit you are wrong, or to admit you don’t know the answers. Be honest. Be real. Have integrity in all parts of your marriage. 

 Lessons over 26 years, that helped me

 In a marriage, you know your partner’s strength, weaknesses and innermost fears better than anyone. Don’t abuse that knowledge to hurt or embarrass the other.  Be an advocate for each other.  

I adore hubby.  He is attentive, supportive and fun to be around.  26 years together so far and I hope we have many, many, more wonderful years together.

 I enjoy being part of his life because he is passionate about so many things like his collection of fountain pens, music, books and cars. He often recommends things to me which I undoubtedly would also enjoy.    I trust his taste in music, movies and books.  We have a number of common interest as well as separate and independent interests.   

I admire his impeccable integrity and his authenticity.    What attracted me to him before we even met was his intelligence. I read a number of his legal opinions because we were in the same area of work, the field of aboriginal and treaty rights.  I also read speeches he drafted for others and papers he had published or delivered at conferences.   I discovered that I liked how his mind worked and how he reduced complicated legal issues to their foundation and first principles.   His style of writing was easy to read, logical and had sound reasoning.  To me this demonstrated clarity in his thinking and processing.    

We met at a Canadian bar association (CBA) conference in Ottawa where he was delivering a paper.  I had just moved to Ottawa earlier that year where he was scheduled to speak first thing in the morning at the conference.   Actually, I was there with my team, and the lawyer who incidentally encouraged me to call him months later. We all went out that evening for a lovely Indian dinner. Including my boss, Bill who was an associate of his, from his former law firm.   As it turned out I was attracted to more than his intelligence in the end. We actually had chemistry and similar interests!  And, I really liked him as a person, 26 years later and one almost 21-year-old son, it is as true today as when we first met.  I am a lucky woman to have found real love.

     

 On an interesting note, we should have met much earlier, because we had a number of friends in common and had actually been at the same conferences at the same time in previous years.   specifically, One such conference in Montréal where we remember being part of a group conversation but evidently we were not introduced to each other then.   

The following are points that I believe makes our marriage strong.

1.      Like being with each other. Love him even at their worst moods. Be respectful, even when you disagree.  

2.     Respond to conflict, Don’t react

3.     Don’t try to change each other

4.     Always say what you mean, and mean what you say.  Don’t shut down emotionally from each other

5.     Don’t intentionally say hurtful things about the other

6.     Don't bring up past mistakes.    

7.     Ask for clarification when you don’t understand one another 

8.     Never make assumptions about the other person.

9.      Keep perspective and don’t blow things out of proportion

10.   Build each other up, be supportive

11.   Have empathy, try to see things from their point of view

12.   When you do things for each other, do it with love not out of obligation

13.   Be the first to apologize after a disagreement

14.     Never walk away during an argument without first hugging.

15.   compromise  make sure your partner understands that you value their opinion

16.     Don’t be so serious, make room for laughter

17.   Keep your word

   18.   Anticipate your partner’s needs

   19.  Always chose to see the best in each other

20.  Keep it simple, fun and uncomplicated

21.  Remember we are human, and mistakes happen

22.  Be willing to forgive

11:11:11: @11 am

Hubby blogged about our big day!

Nineteen years of blissful Marriage to Mr. Alan Pratt has given me…

19. My prince charming

18. My perfect soul mate

17. Removes nasty critters so I won't see it

16. love squared

15. Created Mr. Andrew Pratt

14. Extraordinary step-dad and dad

13. Long stem roses

12. A date for all occasions

11. Introduces me to the some of the best writers I’ve read

10. Knows me inside / out

09. Keeps me in the finest toys, ipod, ipad, macbook Air, etc. 

08. Puts up with my idiosyncrasies

07.  Always does the dishes

06. Creates a perfect playlist on my ipod

05. Sets the PVR to my favorite shows

04. A honey bunny with the best hugs and the sweetest kisses

03. Intelligent conversationalist 

02. Makes me laugh

01. The best 19 years ever!!!! 
This is my anniversary gift and you can never have too many of this
 Thanks, hubby 

Eighteen Roses

I can’t believe today is my eighteenth wedding Anniversary. It seems like yesterday I met hubby, yet it feels like I’ve known him my whole life. Our courtship was brief, sweet and romantic. We lived in separate cities during our courtship and our time together stealing a day here and there was precious. I can’t imagine what it would have been like if we had email and skype back then.

I remember fondly those lazy days sleeping in on the weekends until pass noon and having breakfast in the Beaches. I loved that we could walk down to the Beaches and have breakfast anytime of the day. In the evenings we would order Chinese food from The Wokker on Queen Street and watch Twin Peaks in front of the fireplace. And when we were not watching Twin Peaks we watched the World Series. And as the world played along with our fun courtship the Blue Jays won that year against the Atlanta Braves.   The Jays defeated Atlanta, making it the first time a team outside of US won the world Series.  That was huge!  Everyone was so excited; the city was electric the night they won. It seemed like our world was touch by faith and everything was non-complicated, relaxed and fun. The next day, after seeing a blue jay from his kitchen window, hubby taking this as a sign, proposed.

Each anniversary we take the whole day off from our busy schedule to spend together.  I can't think of a better way to spend my day.

It’s not Porcelain!

Yesterday, my IT person took my Mac away because it refused to do my bidding.  In fact, it did nothing at all.  Mac just sat doing nothing and not making a sound, not even a beep.  The silent treatment! 

Mac and I were friends I thought.  It was suppose to be reliable and would not let me down like those PCs.  The place on my desk where it occupied left a hole not only on my desk but also in my heart (slight exaggeration!).  I had my ipad, but you know it was not the same.  Interestingly, before Mac started to let me down, first by responding slowly to my commands, then not at all, I enjoyed my ipad.  I’d walk by Mac not giving it a second thought and sit by the fireplace content with my ipad.  But then when it was no longer available I missed my Mac.   

Seven hours later… Hubby “I know you said you didn’t want your anniversary gift yet, but under the circumstances would you like to have it now?”  “Hmmm, okay” I replied.  It will be our 18-wedding anniversary on the 11^th.  The suggested gift for this year is porcelain.   When I unwrapped the gift I didn’t find porcelain (Not that there is anything wrong with porcelain, you know) what I found instead was light, airy and so adorable.   A MacBook Air!  So doing my happy dance now.  

A Remembrance on November 11 (Guest Writer)

It is November 11, just after 11 a.m. Exactly 91 years ago today, World War I ended. We commemorate this day, of course, as a day of remembrance for fallen soldiers. We wear poppies on our lapels and pause for a minute of silence.

I have always been ambivalent about Remembrance Day. War is the supreme example of the emotional immaturity of the human race, and it embodies the very worst elements of humanity. On the other hand, the extreme conditions of war provides unique opportunities for human bravery, self-sacrifice and heroism. So how can we celebrate the one while wanting to condemn the other?

Like many of my generation, my father was damaged by World War II, in ways we can only guess at now that he is gone. My mother had to raise her first child alone for more than five years until her husband came home from a German prisoner of war camp. Six years after the end of the war I was born into a family that must have been still struggling with its aftermath, a family still trying to heal from everything that happened during those wartime years.

And so the sight of poppies on lapels has always triggered discomfort in me. I want to acknowledge all the sacrifices and acts of heroism, and even of simple endurance, but at the same time I want to shout out: “Never again!”

For the last 17 years, the sight of poppies on lapels has triggered another and much, much happier reaction. Because 17 years ago almost at this minute, I said “I will” to Angelina, the author of this blog and she became my wife. My good friend, then the Associate Chief Justice of the Ontario Court, Justice Roy McMurtry, presided. Present were Roy’s brother and my dear friend, who is now gone, Bill, Roy’s wife Ria, my mother, also now gone, and my good friends Wallis and Virginia Smith.

Angelina and I had met that March, about eight months earlier, but I was not until September that we had a “date.” Within six weeks of that first date I popped the question and it was only two weeks later that we were standing in Roy’s chambers uttering the magic words of commitment to one another. Apparently I was sweating profusely, but I remember being serenely happy. We took a leap of faith in each other, but even in that short time we had decided we could utterly trust each other. I think that we knew everything that we needed to know about one another.

Seventeen years have passed, and we have made a life for ourselves that I think is unique. We have found a home in the countryside, really more of a little world of our own than a home. We work together on very important work, and it sustains us both financially and in other ways.

We have made a son, our wonderful Andrew, and as he nears his 12th birthday we see both of us reflected in him, but we see him as a person unto himself.

Most of all we have created the emotional space within which we can each be fulfilled and happy. Our life is not immune from the bumps and bruises that are inevitable in human affairs, but nothing will ever call our marriage, our bond, our friendship, our love, into question. We are going to grow old together, and I think of the myth of Philemon and Baucis. If you don’t know about it you can look it up.

Angelina, I love you from the depths of my being and any success that I have achieved in these last 17 years has been made possible by the unwavering love and friendship you have given me. You have given me courage I did not know I had and you have made it possible for me to leave my self-doubts behind at least most of the time.

I hope that this short guest essay will give the readers of your blog some small idea of the special person who writes it.

All my love, Alan

The Smartest Thing I've Done

Sixteen years ago today, 11.11.92 at 11 am we eloped.

I clearly recollect my wedding day. We awoke slowly, had breakfast and a leisurely talked. Then we realized we were running late and had to leave to Osgoode Hall, downtown Toronto where we were to be married by Alan's long time friend and judge, Roland (Roy) McMurtry QC.

We picked up Alan's mom on the way to City Hall. She had bought our boutonnieres. When we arrived our friends were already there.
Because it was Remembrance Day we had the beautiful historic building all to ourselves. The judge's brother Bill, Alan's partner at his law firm, found out about the wedding and crashed the festivities.

It was a completely stress-free ceremony, saying our vows which we had drafted a few days prior, went without a hitch. My face hurt from all the smiling as the photographer took pictures. Later, we went for lunch at Winsons's, an amazing restaurant where we ran into a few more of Alan's associates and the marriage was no longer a secret.

The courtship, and planning the wedding was a blast, the only people who knew our secret were our assistants Joanne and Roxy, who helped us with some of the details of the courtship and wedding. Mum was the word and they didn't let on to anyone. The eve of the wedding, Alan convinced me to call home, which I did. As expected, I got a lecture but by the end of the conversation got the blessings.

After lunch we drove to a resort, arriving as it was lightly snowing and very dark. We got lost at the golf course and finally made it to the main building as it was approaching 11 pm. Our room was not ready, and we had to sit in the lounge while we waited for the room. By this time I was hungry, tired, and getting grumpy. But the rest of the honeymoon was wonderful. Three days later, Alan drove us home, first dropping me off at my home, and then drove off to his home, in a different city. Our courtship had been brief and we had not discussed who would be moving leaving that discussion to after the wedding. Three months later, Alan moved to my city.

Whatever with a big splashy wedding, who needs the stress! I promised my husband our life would be simple, and non-complicated. By and large, that is how I am in this marriage. And to begin with, each year when we start seeing poppies, we know our anniversary is approaching it is on Remembrance Day after all. How easy is that?

Sixteen years later, among all the wonderful things this marriage has brought into my life includes a best friend forever (BFF). Sweet!