Freeing the EGO

Letting go of control does not have to be difficult. I will occasionally, when I am faced with a decision, stop what I am doing, quiet my mind and concentrate on my breath. I want to make decisions based on a clear mind. The question becomes do I continue control or let it go?

Not all the time, but sometimes I will make an assessment of the situation. What can I do about it? What is the worst thing that would happen if I do nothing? Too often it is our emotions that prevent us from seeing clearly what could be the right action to take. I guess some would call it egotistical, and if I were honest with myself, they would be correct in describing me as such. Most of the time the thought I have is if not me, then who? That is exactly EGO.  My critics will complain that I love control and maybe that is true.  But I also accept a helping hand and like to share in the responsibility. I will work with anyone. I enjoy collaborations.

From the outside looking in, I may appear bossy or always in control. That is a perception some people have of me, and that may or not be true of me.  Okay, I admit I have a healthy ego. I make an effort to control things around me, I like to be in action rather than be passive and let life happens around me. I like affecting change and often don't wait for anyone.  The change I am looking for is always positive change, something to better people's life.  I have the type of personality that when I see that something needs to be done, and I don’t see anyone doing it, I will do take it on.   I want to help.  My advocacy is always to do good on others behalf. If I can make a positive difference, I will do something.   Doing nothing is never an option for me. 

That is my personality failing, which is why I meditate. I want to be less controlling, less judgemental, and more compassionate and loving. I enjoy volunteering, not for any recognition or validate but to get things done.  I am not afraid of putting time into something I feel is important and could perhaps make a difference. 

Like for example, I have undertaken a quest to research and maintain my family tree. This is a good example of taking control of a project. It is a work of passion and on-going, which I began in 2008. If I didn’t do it would it have ever been done, I wonder. I had ten brothers and have five sisters.  That is just the immediate family. I was able to document 152 families and 373 people thus far. I was able to put into the database almost 1,000 family pictures. This has been tremendous amount of work and initially took up many hours of my free time.  However, it has been so satisfying as well. To add to that, I also created a facebook family page, to support the genealogy research I was doing.  I posted the birthdays, births, weddings, graduations, and deaths. This is to ensure my database is correct.  If I made a mistake, someone will tell me, and will I correct the database. Almost everyone in my family knows I am doing this, but no one has offered to help me. That said, to the degree that it is done, I feel a great sense of accomplishment.  

On the other hand, the down side of having created the family facebook group, which allows me to post and manage the page, has opened me to accusations of being too controlling. Recently a family member so “eloquently” said in an emailed to me… “I love how u control what it posted and not posted in this group too.... power and control...”    So I decided to add four other family members to the facebook group as administrators.  Doing this gave me a huge relief; I don’t know why it didn't occur to me sooner.  Thank you for pushing me to do that.

We always have a choice of letting go of things. Not taking things too personally. Letting go of always being in control or being right. Because when I think about it , the worst that could have happened if I have never started the family tree and family facebook group, would be nothing.  Yes, nothing, it would not have made any difference to anyone. Maybe another family member would have done it, or maybe not. Either way, it does not matter. Letting go.  Knowing when to let go is liberating.  Knowing I don’t always have to be in control is a freeing. At the end of the day, was it all about my ego?  

I am taking the next step, I have let go completely and remove myself as administrator on the facebook family group page.  Who knows it might just go beyond anything I could have achieved on my own. I look forward to seeing it evolve and thrive by the people I added as admin before I removed myself.  It feels great!    

Good Bye 2016

Usually I recap my year, but not his year.   I am not looking back.  Nope.

2017 I am ready for whatever you bring.  I am not making any New Years resolutions this year.  It is a blank page, which I will feel as I go.   I am wide open to experience everything for the first time. The new dawn ahead is like fresh snow without footprints, still I will step through it staying in the present moment because I know enough to know that there can be ice underneath it. I will be ready for any surprises.  2017 I welcome you with an open mind and  I hold no personal expectations. After all I don't want to set any limits on what you have in store for me.   Let's see what you've got.... :)

UPDATE:  Possibly the best New Year's Resolution blog post

HOPE

A Denesuline Warrior!  

Yesterday, August 7, 2016, I received bad news.  First I heard my uncle passed at 92 years old. While I was still processing this news, I got the dreaded phone call telling me the tragic news of my older brother’s passing. He was only 58 years old. Born in Uranium City, Saskatchewan and was raised in Fort Chipewyan and Fort McMurray Alberta. He died from complications due to his injury last year and excessive drinking. The medical examiner said, that he died from complications from COPD. Since my brother was not a smoker, he indicated that it may have been duress from the forest fire in May.  

This hit me harder because Rossi's health was improving. We were very close and he had so much life to be lived yet.

I’ve had a day to process what has happened. I think I am in the anger stage of the grief spectrum.  He was too young to die, damn it! (I could hear Rossi saying here, if you want me to swear for you sis, I will – I never swear!)

If I were to be honest, I would say he died of heartbreak.  The last year of his life I saw him give up. He gave up on waiting for the type of love he deeply craved, an unconditional love, from some of his children and grandchildren, brothers and sisters.  He gave up on the travel that he yearned to do and the ‘60s car he would buy to take him on his travels.  He abandoned his plans of going travelling to Europe on a freighter and going to NASCAR races.  But when I noticed that he gave up on music, which has always lit up his life no matter what was happening, I knew he had also given up on life.

I could see it in his eyes when I last saw him just a couple of weeks ago.  The abject sadness overshadowed his smiles and laughter.  The withdrawing.  The spark he had was gone.  He was tired.  He could not fight any longer. And he simply gave up trying.

In January 2015 I wrote a blog about him after he was beaten into unconsciousness after he intervened to help a woman who was being assaulted by her boyfriend.  This act of selflessness caused him to lose some of his mobility and left him with permanent brain damage, which made him dependent on others for the first time.  I think that was the day he died, but it took his spirit longer to let go.  That is how much he craved love and he was willing to keep alive until he got it, but sadly it eluded him. 

Rossi second on the left, next to our brother Roger, I am across from Roger. 

Rossi didn’t have an easy life.  He was a product of the Indian Residential School system. He entered it when he was just 5 years old. He was haunted by the memories of what he experienced over the twelve years of his life he gave there.  For years he kept his feelings and memories hidden masked by his jokes and laughter.  Until one day he decided to go to therapy; and that is when he started drinking. Some therapists are not equipped to handle the type of trauma Rossi and other residential school survivors endured.

He was an intelligent man and knew so much about politics, genealogy, human behaviour, and music.  He loved flying so he became a pilot; it gave him a freedom he couldn’t get on the ground. And when he couldn’t do that, he loved to drive. He also had an innate ability to navigate, I think, he had a built in GPS in his DNA.  He was my compass, my navigator, when we were together I knew I would never be lost. He was also my protector. When I need him he was always there and I hope I was also there for him.

He is gone.  A deep integral part of me is also gone.  Who I was to him and who I was around him. We never had an argument, never used harsh words with one another, and never judged one another. That is not to say he didn’t have a quick temper or was moody, I just knew when to stop pushing him and leave him be.  Our familial bond is gone and I am left alone without an anchor and no navigator.  Floating and lost.

        

Ultimately, what took his life - which people often skirt and make excuses around - is ALCOHOL.  ALCOHOL killed my brother, sucked his spirit and left him empty. This is where my anger is hovering.

ALCOHOL is the reason he intervened in breaking up that fight over a year ago. The man who attacked him was drunk or on drugs. 

ALCOHOL took away his reason for living and broke a beautiful human being.

In Canada, many Indigenous people are dying an untimely death due to ALCOHOL.  We have to change the conversation we as a nation are having about why this is happening. We have to change our story and our belief. In particular, we have to change our belief that once people are adults we can’t influence them to stop drinking.    I don’t have the answer on how but I have a commitment to change that belief.

  

Rossi’s death will not be in vain.

 

I am challenging, you the reader, to do something about this too because everyone is impacted by alcohol abuse in some form or another.

There already exist, and has for over 40 years an institution in Alberta that has transformed many lives. Maybe we’ve forgotten about it. But it is there. Please have another look at Supporting Nechi Institution: Centre for Indigenous learning, the only Indigenous institute that uses culture and experiential learning as a gateway to reach the spirit of its indigenous and non-indigenous students.

Rossi was a game changer.  He over came and fought his ghosts, maybe not successfully, but they didn’t own him.  He never became bitter nor twisted. He was not an angry person; he was always a kind and gentleman and held his head high with integrity. 

May 2016, Fort McMurray, Alberta (Fire) 

Our world has loss a great human being when Rossi Samuel Deranger died, August 7^th, 2016. 

There are many other Rossis out there; maybe there is one in your family.  There is hope to help those people, and that hope is you.


My friend and writer, wrote this wonderful piece on my brother Rossi for the Fort McMurrayToday paper.  Thank you Therese.  :)  

Perspective, good or bad, Your Choice

Earlier this year, I took on a challenge to express my gratitude over the course of one hundred days.  The fact that I finished the challenge is no surprise to me because I knew I would complete it. What surprised me was how this challenge impacted and changed me.

I think you'd agree that social platforms are flooded with overwhelming negative information, drama, and not enough positive stories. We spend more time on the Internet than any previous time, this information is bound to impact us .  And it takes a concerted effort every day to see the positive impact around us because we are bombarded with so much negativity.  For example, if you read ten positive comments on your newsfeeds and one negative comment, it is the negative comment, which stands out and stays with you longer, right? 

Well, this challenge made me more aware of how I was responding to everyday situations. It provided an opportunity to challenge my thinking. Taking on the challenge flipped my thinking around because I found that the more I saw things is a positive light the more positive I became. It is not about just seeing the good but seeing what is happening through compassionate eyes. Moreover, I found myself creating more positive moments if I saw the day being overburdened with negativity.  I made a decision to see create the positive I wanted to see and to be grateful for the smallest thing.

However, I've experienced the darkest days of my life during this challenge. The death of my mother hit me especially hard. It is difficult to comprehend how someone so important in my life in no longer in my world. Then in May 2016, I watched my family and friends lose everything to a wildfire in Fort McMurray, Alberta.  

My world was changing and not everything was sunshine and roses.  The occurrence in Fort McMurray cemented how different it was going to be without my mom.  I am certain some family will be setting up home elsewhere in the Province.  No more impromptu family gatherings.  

Yet, I turned my mind and my heart to the brighter side of those darker days. It is not about forcing myself to be delusional or to be an optimist but more about seeing the good in spite of the bad. As I see it, we have a choice in how we react to situations.  You can either see the positive influences around you or you can be a victim of your circumstances. 

The power and strength are within each of us.  Create those positive moments for yourself and others around you.  Be an architect of your life, create the best life you can dream, and be thankful for each day. 

Key for Living

Ajahn Brahn’s interpretation of Leo Tolstoy’s the Emperor’s Three Questions

When is the most important moment?

Now is the most important moment.  Enjoy it.  Be present. Don’t rush it.

Who is the most important person?

The person in front of you is the most important person in your world.  Be totally present with the person you're with at that moment.  Believe me they feel it. They will feel valued. They will feel the connection.

Mama, great granddaughter and great great grandchild. 

What is the most important thing to do?

The most important thing to do is to care, which is the halfway to being caring and to being cared for.   Have compassion. Have empathy. 

The answers are simple but you’ll find if you follow them in your life, you'll be making a positive change.  

14 days out of 100 DaYS oF GRaTiTUdE

On January 15, 2016, I joined this challenged to write about being grateful for 100 days.  My plan was to blog about it when I completed the challenge.  But instead I decided to post it as I go along. This first post is a bit long, so I promise next time it won't be as long.  lol

These two weeks have been very interesting and I find myself actively looking for the positive in everyday normal events.  There are a number of studies that reveal being grateful is beneficial in numerous ways. I am interested in seeing what this challenge will reveal to me and about me. 

Day 1

I have been inspired by my friend, Jean Cardinal, after reading her 100 days of gratitude posted on Facebook. So, she was the inspiration for taking up this challenge. What an amazing human being she is and her words have really inspired me. Thus, on my first day, I am grateful for her and her dedication to inspire others.

Day 2

Annie and Mary

I am grateful that these two beautiful and lovely ladies, my big sisters, Annie

and Mary. They never cease to make me feel totally and completely loved. They teach me gratitude, compassion and acceptance. Thank you, sisters, for always being there for me.

 Day 3

I am thankful for my friend Lou Corona, for teaching me how to make almond milk. . Ever since I've learned to make it myself, I have not purchased it from the store. You get so many real benefits from making it yourself like quality control and satisfaction of doing it yourself. It is fresh and delicious. 

Day 4

I am grateful to authors who pour their heart and soul into their books that serve to entertain and introduce me to powerful characters and compelling stories.

Day 5

My brother Rossi is still struggling with an assault that left him with permanent damage on January 9th, 2015. He often talks about a our NYC trip, which I think, is one of his treasured memories. Today, I am grateful that he is still in my life.  I wanted to do something special for him, so I created a memory of our trip. I ordered the pictures of our trip to be made into a coffee table book for him. 

Day 6

I was talking to a friend recently about how our childhood relationships form our character and how we relate to one another as adults. It might appear as unusual to be grateful for my experience at Holy Angels Residence, in Fort Chipewyan, Alberta, but I am.  It was there that I formed a life long bond with other students from my community. These years taught me sharing, caring and the meaning of true friendship. 

Residential school harborer some really dark secrets that left so many students broken, as I wrote in a letter that was published in the OttawaCitizen, but I am forever grateful for the life long friendships I have.  We may not see each other for years, but when we meet there is an instant recognition and connection because of our shared experience.  To all the women who were in little girl’s room, I am so grateful we survived and continue to love and live life to the fullest.  Thank you for being my life long friends. 

Day 7

I am grateful for my home, which I acknowledge is situated in Algonquin territory.  And the fireplace that is soothing and comforting while winter is swirling outside. As I look outside my window I am reminded that I am also sharing the territory the indigenous animals, the wolf, the deer, and the eagle among others.  All I have to do is be aware of my surrounding to see the natural balance of nature in play. 

Just a short while ago the wolves downed a deer and shared their feast with the crows and a lone eagle. Now, how many people get to see this drama unfolding outside their window? I am grateful to be reminded of the cycle of life. 

Day 8 

A few years ago, when I was volunteering at a Theravada Buddhist temple, I asked the resident monk to bring me a Buddhist icon when he returned to Canada from Thailand.  I was thinking a tiny jade Buddha.  But instead he gave me a beautiful large bronze Buddha statue. 

I am so grateful to have been given such an amazing gift, which reminds me to be patient, compassionate and forgiving.   And to being present in the moment and living everyday with the choices I make and how I conduct myself with others.  It reminds me that our lives are both infinitely challenging and infinitely rewarding. 

Funny story:  I used to drive this monk around to pay his bills and run errands.  One day we were running late and I had to pick up my son from pre-school. (That is how long ago!)  

Because I didn’t have time to drop him off before going to get my son he came with me to the school.  I went into the school and met another mother, who asked if I wanted to go for tea.  I told her I couldn’t because I had a monk in my car. She said, really, I would like to see. I shrugged my shoulder and said why not and we walked out to my car.  

I opened the back door so she could see him, and she almost died laughing on the spot.  She said, “when you said monk, I thought you meant you had a Buddha in your car.” The monk, smiled and bowed his head, but because he didn’t speak English he couldn't understand why we were laughing so hard with tears running down our face.  True story. J

Day 9 

In the face of yesterday’s tragedy in La Loche, I find it difficult to be grateful for myself when I know so many people are dealing with unimaginable pain.  

But I am grateful that I am able to meditate on loving kindness. It is occasions such as these that we need to breathe, focus and pray for those directly affected by this horrific tragedy.  Because whether we are directly involved or not we have been affected by what happened. Two of my blogging friends have elegantly blogged about the incident. Here and here.  I am grateful for their insights. 

Day 10 

Aunt Marie

I am grateful today and everyday for my one and only aunty. My aunt Marie demonstrates her love for us through her cooking; she is an excellent cook. Not only that but she has a wealth of knowledge on traditional ceremony and our Dene language. 

She does not have email or go on Facebook, so she is one of the few people where our communication is either in person or by calling her landline.  Yes, no texting with that old chick because she does not have a cell phone.  I try to ensure that not too much time goes by between our chats.  

She is indeed an exquisite and precious gem.  I love her dearly. She is not perfect, but in my eyes she is extraordinary.  I am grateful that she is part of my life journey.

Day 11 

I am grateful for friends who see something so phenomenal in their friends that they want to introduce them to each other.Yesterday evening I had an amazing conversation with someone who was introduced to me by my good friend, Vik. 

During our conversation Tanyss asked me how I knew vik, which took me down memory lane. This line of introductions started when I first moved to Ottawa, over 20 years ago. I moved to Ottawa to take a position with the Federal Government to establish the Indian Claims Commission. I barely knew anyone in Ottawa at the time. I decided to try to find someone in the transcendental community so that I can at least continue my meditation with a group. I called the TM office. Incredibly, Moneca who answered my call was a former resident of Edmonton. So we had that in common. Not only that she was also a person who was active in establishing landmark education in Ottawa. I had taken a number of courses by that time and was familiar with landmark. We had many long and deep conversations.  

Moneca is an extraordinary woman, who is currently in Africa taking a Landmark course and making a difference to students there. A few years ago, she said, you need to meet Vik, he is amazing!  I called Vik, and we had the most incredible conversation.  He is not only a graduate of Landmark Education but is a principle owner of UnstoppableConversations. We ended up doing business together. If you want to make a difference in your life, your work, and in the world, this is the company to contact. 

Vik, Introduced me to Tanyss. Tanyss’ intention is to transform a school in northern Alberta into a place where students will discover their extraordinary self and soar. After what happened in La Loche, we need to envision a new reality for First Nations schools.

Thank you Moneca for introducing me to Vik, and thank you Vik for introducing me to Tanyss. 

Day 12 

Matcha with gold flecks 

At times, I find myself, so grateful for the little things in my life. For example, to simply enjoy a perfect cup of matcha tea whilst listening to music. 

Day 13 

I am grateful for friends who remind me of music I've forgotten about, And at this moment for Tchaikovsky’s timeless and beautiful music, which I listened to again, after reading the above link. Symphony No. 6 “Pathetique” op.74, was written during Tchaikovsky’s difficult period.  I’ve heard somewhere that someone asked could music save your mortal soul? Listen to this piece and you might have your answer. Watch out for 11:11 Boom!

   

14 days 

On January 27th, I received a gift in the mail. It was a beautiful pair of naturally smoked moose hide moccasin. They fit perfectly, like my feet are getting a warm snug hug.  Nothing trumps receiving an unexpected present.  I don’t usually get gifts out of the blue like this and this was a teaching moment for me. It taught me to be humble and to accept the gift with graciousness but at the same time, to allow myself to feel worthy.

I immediately called the person who sent it to me to thank her and I got another gift.

The gift of laughter!  Never fails, she always makes me laugh. She has a quick wit that comes out of nowhere. Sharing a laugh really does make you feel connected. It is good medicine.  According to an article from the Mayo Clinic, a good laugh has great short and long-term effects. I encourage you to call a friend and share a good laugh. I am grateful for these gifts.