LESSON LEARNED

LESSON LEARNED

bathroom flowers 

This week's blog is on relationships, and +specifically when there is a communication breakdown in a relationship. Have you ever had problems in a friendship because of communication?   Well, I just experienced a series of emotions after I did something which resulted in damaging a long-standing friendship as the result of decisions made in the interests of an organization.  After careful consideration, going back and forth and accepting my part in the breakdown of the friendship, the question I should have asked myself is: what would I have changed if I could turn back the clock?  

I finally accepted I would change nothing. In the end what happened was what should happen. If our relationship had to be damaged or even sacrificed, I accept it. I have nothing to apologize for, I acted in accordance to my obligation to my organization.  

I knew that my loyalties were being tested by the situation we were in.   One of my colleagues had actually asked me if I could act for the good of the organization even if it harmed my friendship?  Of course, I could say it was only business, and not personal, but I hate when people say that because it is always personal, indeed it is difficult to separate business from friendship.

For sure, my first impulse is to justify my action.   Honestly, I do feel bad about my part in this drama, and I feel terrible that I let my friend down, there is no denying that. I am truly sorry.  My friend gave so much over the years, and must have felt left betrayed in our friendship, and dishonoured in her great contributions. We've shared so much over the years had such good times together I knowledge her contributions to the organization, her dedication and commitment mean a lot. I know I hurt her. And for that I am sorry. 

Of course, according to the demands of friendship, I should have showed up for my friend, when I realized how events were unfolding. But I remained silent.  The truth is that I was scared -- scared of being seen as not having the right intention and commitment.  I was scared that my motivation would be put into question and my loyalty would be perceived as putting a friendship ahead of the organization.  Yes, I admit this is beginning to sound a lot like rationalization.

Over the years I have done a lot of self-realization work to improve myself and become a better human.  I think any apology would fall on deaf ears, especially since my email is blocked.   Perhaps after some time and with a little perspective my friend will be open to hearing my perspective and my acceptance of responsibility for my role in this story. 

It is inevitable as humans we will encounter conflict and crisis. And it is inevitable in relationships that there will be miscommunications.  At the end of the day, how we respond in a situation will either elevate us or prove we are not as evolved as we believe. For me, acknowledging that we have a story, and it is our bias and perspective that creates a translation of the events that either validates our story, it will either make us right or wrong.

In this case, my two loyalties were put to the test.  My friendship did not prevent me from acting as my duty and conscience required.  I can regret that I caused pain to a friend, but having spent a few days reflecting on the situation, I don’t regret my actions.

In end, although I do feel bad, and for the time being I must accept that the only communication to express my regret through is this blog post.  One my friend may never read. Technology has created and opened communications like never before, however it has also made it more difficult to communicate. I accept that my friend does not want to hear from me.   

New Blog Post?

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Patric and Andrew Sept. 02. 2015

Patric, a long time friend of my son, Andrew  is visiting from Switzerland, which got me thinking about when he moved back to China in 2008  Flash back to September 2nd, 2008   He however returned to Ontario to complete his grade 9 & 10 and returned to Switzerland to finish high school.  Patric is in his 2nd year of University at ETH Zurich and is an accomplished pianist.

It is so nice to see him mature into a nice young man.

Finally...now What?

Image via Wikipedia

I guess, I wasn't as over it as I thought I was. Before the holidays I checked a name on facebook and noticed that a former friend had a facebook profile. I debated with myself before sending her a Christmas message. I never expected her to respond, but she did, and with an equally nice seasons greetings.

I admit, based on our history I was surprised she responded at all. Although, I am very pleased she did, it was as if the universe sent me a special gift. But does this change anything, after all, she didn't add me as a friend or anything. I hope we will be able to pick up where we left off before it all fell apart.

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend" William Blake

P.S. Just got a friend invite : )

Feeling the Rain

This year, the only resolution I made is to take Fridays off from work. Like most resolutions it is hard to keep. Sometimes, I am able to do it and other times, work responsibilities prevent me from enjoying an extra long weekend. At any rate, it pleases me that this option is available to me. When I manage to seize the day, I like to connect with friends, maybe meet someone for lunch, or to just hang out.

Today, I was able to have a nice leisurely breakfast at Cora’s with a friend, who is unfortunately going through a difficult period. Although, most areas of her life are going well, there is a particular aspect of her life that is causing her some extreme emotional and spiritual pain. Being a practical person, I was thinking about her situation on my way to meet her, and how I might be of help to her. But the situation is complicated and really did not allow for an easy solution. My best effort was to make her laugh and to give her a book (I did come prepare with gift in hand. I brought a book I knew she would enjoy) that might provide a healthy distraction.

It is in these types of situations that I find myself reflecting on my life. I can’t help imagining myself in her predicament and thinking about how I would handle the situation. In the end, in this instance, I too would be hard pressed to find a practical resolution. Consequently, this exercise resulted in my being grateful that my life is non-complicated and my heart fills with compassion for my friend. Occasionally,we should pause and appreciate the people in our life.

I've finally got it!

It took almost ten long years. I kept hoping one day, one day, and maybe this day, but it never happened. I imagined scenarios in my head about how it might happen, and how grateful and how happy I would feel when it happened. I'd have conversations in my head about it too (All this is not very Buddhist like). But it never happened. My friends all said to me, that I should forget about it, not my loss.  I'd say, you're right and yes I can move on. But, in my heart I could not let it go. As the years unfolded I thought less and less about it, but I never forgot and still held on to the fact that one day things would be different.

I was listening to Buddhist monk Ajahn Brahm talk on attachments, and wham, I got it!

This is a sad story about friendship. I had a best-friend who I thought would be my BFF, but one day she decided our friendship was over. She stopped all contact with me. It was only after I sent her a letter requesting an explanation about why she was not returning my calls, (before e-mail) that she called to tell me that it was because of my continued association with her ex husband. She didn't say this, but I think she felt I betrayed her by staying friends with him and his wife to be at the time (now divorced from her too). She said she wanted to leave her life with her ex in her past, and did not want anyone from that period in her present life (very Buddhist like leaving the past behind). She evidently felt very strongly about her decision because that was the last I heard from her. Her absence left a void in my life, we were once very close friends since university and shared many secrets, laughs, and dreams over many pots of tea.

What helped me come to terms with the situation recently was after listening to Ajahn's talk on attachments, it dawned on me that my attachment to my friend created an unfulfilled expectation. What I created in my mind was the story about the incident, and through the retelling of the story it kept the painful lost of a friendship alive. Once, I realized that and let go of my attachment to the story of my loss friendship, I was free. I no longer have an expectation that she would contact me, and I'm good with that. Whew!