A Respected Dene Elder enters the Spirit world December 21, 2021

Liz & Marie 

With her great niece, Karen

recreating an old photo with nieces Liz and Annie

 

Picking rhubarb and then made a pie. 

Marie Albert Bruno (nee Adam)  August 1939 -  December 21, 2021

On a hot humid Ottawa summer day, a number of years back, I went for a drive around rural Ottawa, first to Rockland and then to Cumberland.  My aunt Marie was my passenger and navigator.  She’d say turn down this dusty dirt road, then this one, not too far now.   We would stop and she’d get out, thoughtfully looking at the landscape, her eyes searching for memories.  Then she’d nod and say, this looks the same and get back into the car.  She’d say, I remember walking down about a mile or so this on this road everyday to go to work.

It astounded me how well she remembered landscape where everything to me looked similar, farm after farm. She looked at the gravel road like it held a treasure. But my first thought was with all the missing and murdered Indigenous women it would have been easy for someone to grab her from that dusty road, with no houses in the vicinity, she had walked a lonely road twice daily to get to work to support her three young children. 

Finally, we drove down another dusty dirt road and stopped at a huge old farmhouse.  I said, are you sure this is the right house?  Yes, yes, she said.  This is it! 

We went up to the front door and knocked. I was not only apprehensive but a bit afraid.  A lady, maybe in her early fifties, opened the door. Auntie knew her parents who owned the farm. It is hard to say how old she was. Her face seemed haggard and full of stress and that might have aged her prematurely.  She exclaimed, oh my, I have not seen you for years!!  She reached out with a big smile and hugged my aunt and called her by her name.  Come right on in she invited us cheerfully. 

We visited almost a couple hours as they reminisce about the old days. We sat in the kitchen from which I could see antique furniture in the living room and and knick knacks on shelves.   The kitchen was filled with the aroma of comfort food ready to be served all laid out on the counter, like she was expecting company.  But my auntie said, this is how it is on the farm, plenty of food cooked and taken out into the fields to the people working. 

It was a pleasure to drive her down memory lane, literally and figuratively.  as she told me stories of her time in Ontario as a young mother with her three little children and an abusive alcoholic husband.  She worked as a chamber lady at a motel we drove by. It was still standing but was but looking pretty worn down. When she spoke of her boss, she said he was a very nice man and treated her well. He never made her feel badly when she showed up with a black eye caused by her husband or if she had to miss shifts because she couldn't walk into work.   We ended our trip down memory lane with tea and soup at a restaurant she worked at, again, describing the owner as a sympathetic boss.  People she worked for clearly respected and liked her.  I wish I had had an iPhone back then. It would have been amazing to take pictures of her at all these stops. 

I am grateful for my auntie. She did not have email or go on Facebook. She remained one of the few people where our communication is either in person or by calling her landline.   Knowing this, I had to keep our communications frequent over the years.

Marie Celestine Adam was born in  Northern Saskatchewan.  She was the seventh child of Christine Laddi and Chrysotome Adam. She had two sisters, Therese Deranger, my mom who passed in 2015 at the age of 96 and Victorian Powder. She had six brothers; all deceased now except for her youngest brother Horace. 

Aunt Marie demonstrated her love for us through her cooking; she was an excellent cook. She said you have to be creative when you don't have much to cook and have to feed three hungry young children. What impressed me about our drive to the various farms she lived at is how isolated she must have felt.  Her husband was away for work much of the time.

She  was a great guest and visited us on at least half a dozen occasions in Ottawa.  She made herself at home,  baked cinnamon buns, bread and made the most delicious chicken soup with dumplings.  

On her first visit she asked do you have flour.  I said yes, but not much and then she said ask your neighbour to borrow some.  What?  I can't do that I said. she said on the farm neighbors help each other it must be the same here, so I called my neighbour Lucille Abbott who happily gave me an unopened 10-pound bag of flour. When the cinnamon rolls were done, we walked over and took her some. 

My aunt Marie had a wealth of knowledge on traditional culture and our Dene language. She was a strong advocate of the environment and would often speak of the destruction caused by the oil sands to our traditional territory, especially the water. She was a respected elder and attended Treaty 8 elders’ meetings as a representative in our community. She lived life on her own terms and seldom back down from a fight.   the last few years of her life he began giving away her things.  in the end she had nothing but the clothes on her back.  

She was an extraordinary human being, one of the last traditional elders with sacred knowledge of our traditions. She spoke fluent Denesuline.  I loved her dearly. 

She was not perfect and had a strong stubborn streak, as most of in our family do, but in my eyes, she was extraordinary. I only wish that people could have seen her through my eyes, they would have been witness to the richness of her life, her tenderness, and her willingness to help the cause of missing and murdered Indigenous women.  In the early 1990s, she searched tirelessly for a granddaughter who had been put up for adoption. All she had was a picture of the baby that she carried in her purse until a few years ago when she was robbed leaving the bank. When she told me the story, she said I held on to my purse so tight not because I was afraid to lose the money, but it was the only picture I had at my granddaughter she said tearfully. In that moment I felt her pain. That search ended happily, though, as my aunt’s daughter was reunited with her adopted child and has a relationship with her.

with a daughter,Kuni

Her search for her granddaughter was tenacious.  She would approach lawyers at meetings at every opportunity for help, even though she couldn’t retain them.  One of those lawyers became my husband.  Well before we met, he recalls attending Child welfare meetings in Edmonton and my aunt would approach him for off the cuff advice on finding a adopted child.  He had to tell her politely that it was not something he could help with.  He still remembers the passion and anguish she carried with her.

I am blessed that she was my aunt and was part of my life journey. I am grateful that despite my move to Ottawa she got to know my husband and my son, and that I was able to help her relive memories of her past, while she helped me to understand more of our language and culture.

My aunt went to the spirit world on the winter solstice 2021, I think it was fitting that she would leave us on the longest night of the year. It represents our connection with the natural world.

David, loraine, Vicky

Visiting Dunrobin in summertime.  The plant in the background was accidentally

removed by landscapers in 2021.  I made them replace it in memory of Aunt Marie I will think of her when it blooms. 

Trauma of Death

Danielle Adby 1992- 2020 Forever Loved. 

Today, on March 3, 2020, we are burying our nephew Quentin.  He was short of 30 years old.  Yesterday, March 2, 2020, I received the news early in the morning that my niece Danielle, not yet 30, passed away overnight.  The quivering voice asked:  “Is this Danielle's aunt?” I could tell right away that it was serious. Her father said I was the only aunt listed on her phone. The paramedics were already on the scene and were desperately trying to revive her.   My family has still not gotten over Quentin’s death, but already we are going through the motions of preparing for yet another funeral of a young person. 

Danielle was a vibrant, happy young lady.  She was studying and looking forward to a bright future. The coroner described her death as “natural causes” but I find it difficult to wrap my head around how a young 28-year-old could pass from natural causes. 

I first thought of starting a crowd source funding like GoFundMe to help her mother pay for funeral costs, a traditional feast, and gas for people that wanted to attend Danielle's funeral, but crowd sourced funding is generally not successful, unless you are a celebrity.  By and large people are not interested in helping someone they don't know or attend the funeral of another person they don't know.  On the other hand, a few years ago, I created a GoFundMe campaign for my daughter's cat, Luke.  It was successful, and we reached the goal of $4,100 to pay veterinarian bills. That would unlikely not happen for an unknown young person, no matter how wonderful she was, and how great our loss.   

I know that people will donate generously for an ailing cat or dog, as they did for Luke the cat. My daughter was very grateful to be able to pay for his operation. It got me thinking about what we as humans feel deserve our compassion and empathy.  If my niece or my nephew, who passed away within a few days of each other had been a dog or a cat I would definitely create a GoFundMe page to help their mother. But of course they are not animals, they are human beings; they are a son or a daughter, a brother or sister, a niece or nephew.  A father.  Real people are mourning their loss. People are wondering how the world can keep on spinning after unexpectedly losing these wonderful souls. There is shock, sadness, anger, disbelief and not enough time yet for acceptance -- all the emotions when something tragic occurs to someone we love.  Both Danielle and Quentin were absolutely loved. As I write this, I see their big smiles and I hear Danielle’s soft voice and her giggle when I spotted her pet bunny hopping on her bed when we Skyped.

Quentin was a father. Danielle, was a student, was just starting her life, a young woman with a bright future.

We are mourning the loss of a bright future for these two young people. There will be no happy future for them.  Instead, we are dealing with unbearable grief: one barely completed, and another one days old. And the solemn activities of preparing for the funeral. One is taking place today. This after having buried our brother Max just a few short months ago.

Our story is typical many for families particularly Indigenous families, who face trauma on top of trauma with no time to completely go through the stages of grief when they are hit with another trauma. When you are submerged in trauma you have no understanding that you are in trauma.  You go through the motions to get through your day, putting one step ahead of the other. Perhaps, like me, you react to things more deeply. Maybe being short tempered, or irritable.  I recall years ago speaking to an elder who said when you are in the trauma of grief it is like you are living in a fog, difficult to see, and at times it is too unbearable to breathe.

He cautioned me. “Don't make any important life-changing decisions”. You need to go through the grief process and get through the other side of your trauma when the fog lifts and you're able to see clearly before you can make decisions. I always remembered those words each time I went through the loss of a family member.  I remembered not to be quick to make decisions to wait until the fog clears. And for everyone that process is different there is no right way or wrong way to cope with a death.

If you have been following my blog you know that I process experiences through blogging. I needed to write my feelings on how unfair it is that fur babies and human babies are not treated equally.  I understand the attachment to fur babies. I too had a wonderful one, a standard poodle who I absolutely adored he passed several years ago.  I could not get myself to get another dog until a couple of weeks ago. Inasmuch as I adored our dog Bodhisattva, I value and love people in my life more deeply than I could ever have loved Bodhi. That is the difference. I adored our dog, but at the same time, I understand that a human being’s life has much greater value, always, whether you know them or not. That is where true compassion for all humans is realized.

Today we lay to rest our nephew.  I cannot comprehend what my niece’s mother and siblings are experiencing. The pain must be greater than anything they have ever experienced since the passing of their grandpa. The grief, especially for her younger siblings who may not understand why they will never see her again, why their mother is inconsolable and crying for days.  Why she is closing up.  Being quiet. 

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If I were to offer any advice, I would say when someone dies it is a poignant reminder to all of us that death touches everyone. Life is short and precious. A reminder that we must put aside petty differences, forgive one another, tell people often you love them, laugh often, that deep belly laugh. Don't take yourself seriously. Give yourself permission to have fun. Indulge in simple pleasures that make you happy. Know that you are doing it.  Don't worry what people think. Be happy.