A Tough Conversation

This is a difficult but necessary conversation.  If a conversation is difficult, then it should be engaged in with as many people as possible. And you know what, it seems like it is never the perfect time the for a difficult conversation.

I am talking about alcoholism, which is not a sexy subject and no one wants to talk about it.

Harold R. Johnson wrote this about it in his book, Firewater - How Alchohol is killing My People (and Yours)…

I must speak because so few are speaking.  Our political leaders, our chiefs and councillors, the AFN, the Indian federations, the tribal council – all seem so silent.  

Its impact on lives, particularly in First Nation communities, is well known. I am convinced that there is no other place in Canada that feels the influence of addictions more fully than in a First Nation community.  These communities are tight. Their hearts beat as one.  The saying “all my relations” is not lost here because one quickly realizes how closely related everyone is.  When misfortune befalls one person in the community, everyone feels the pain.   More importantly, they will show up to support one another.  That is one advantage I will always treasure being from one of these communities, my home community.  There really is a true sense of belonging, to being one of the tribe.  Inclusion.

Sadly though, there is no escape from the cruel reality of addictions, it is everywhere.  It breds hopelessness. It permeates the social fabric and, it is unfortunately, intergenerational.

To be sure, it is not for a lack of knowledge that abusive drinking happens. There is already so much information about alcoholism in our communities. For example, that alcohol has both a seductive and destructive nature. It is sneaky like that. The belief is that drinking is started to forget pain and trauma, which works for a short period, but then it quickly becomes the problem. And then health will begin to decline and relationships break down.  Knowing this, why would anyone want to get started?

Instead it is viewed as fun, as “partying.” It enables people to “let off steam” and to “take the edge off.” It is seen as the activitity that brings people together. People even brag about it and post their alcohol-fuelled escapades on social media. Even knowing the harmful nature of alcohol, some think nothing of inviting others to join in this tragic cycle of self-abuse.  The hard truth is that others are taken down too. Like the saying goes “misery loves company.” Especially if they have the means to supply more alcohol, all the while knowing it is wrong but powerless against the allure of booze.

When tragedy strikes due to excess drinking, which it unfortunately and eventually will, its impact reverberates throughout a community like shockwaves.  Mixed emotions stir under the dark blanket of grief.  The shock leaves everyone unable to comprehend the incident.  On some level there is a nagging sense that whatever tragedy happened was preventable. That fact makes any tragedy that much more incomprehensible.  Understandably, the moment right after a tragedy never seems to be time to have a conversation on it, because that would dishonour the victims and bring an inappropriate sense of being judgmental.  Emotions are raw as minds wrestle to comprehend a senseless tragedy. Hearts are broken, dreams  shattered, never to come to pass. 

Because of the overwhelming grief that envelops everyone, there will always be some people who will then turn to drinking to dull the pain, because that is how they deal with pain.  They may even raise a glass or bottle to the victim, not seeing how ironic and empty the gesture is. The vicious cycle continues as people turn to drink to mask their feelings. 

Still, wouldn’t this be an ideal time, the perfect time, to have that very conversation? If only because the incident illustrates so intensely the destructive choices made under the influence of alcohol while it is fresh and before it is swept out of sight, because responding to tragedy must always be sobering, at least at the initial moment of reaction.  Moreover, in small communities, when a tragedy has been caused by alcohol, people know what happened and they know why it happened. To be sure, everyone is thinking about it and talking about it behind closed doors in whispers, in hushed voices barely holding back assigning blame.  Asking the question to themselves and those closest to them, why people are not talking about this together as a community? If there was ever a time to get together as a community, to perhaps reveal some hard truths, could this be the time?

That said, the reasons for all alcohol-related tragedies must be discussed openly and honestly in our communities, not with a sense of judgment or blame, but to ask the simple question: why?  Why does it keep happening, even when we all know the dangers and the illusions that we create for ourselves, like the illusion that drinking to excess is partying, like the illusion that alcohol can help us with pain, like the illusion that the inevitable tragedy will happen to someone else. 

Our people need to talk about these things. To do this is to honour those who lost their battle with addiction, not to blame them; to take something positive and good from their loss, not to condemn them.  It sends a message to everyone in our communities that this issue is serious and it is a problem we all share. 

So, what is stopping our communities from having an honest community dialogue on addictions? Education and awareness can lead to community solutions and healing.  But this alone won’t stop it. What else needs to be done? Who in your community will see this as a call to action?  Who is willing to show up for those who can’t?  Don’t wait for someone else to do it because if not you, who then?  If not now, when?

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We Should Be Growing Old Together...

This piece is fiction. But it is an inevitable scenario when dealing with someone who is an alcoholic or has a drug addiction.  

I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day it is found is the day I will stop missing you. - Unknown

It shattered my world when you died. The news of your death sucked the air out of me, I couldn’t breathe. The world as I knew it changed forever in an instant. I thought I couldn’t experience any worse pain. However, this pain is excruciating, unbearable.   Tears cascade down my face as I try to process that your beautiful spirit is on its final journey home.

I’ve got to breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

You’ve struggled most your life. But the fact that you never accepted how very much you meant to all of our family and how deeply you were loved and admired was your downfall. The last few weeks before your death, I got emails on a daily basis asking me how you’re doing.

I totally understand you were unable to deal with the unfathomable pain, helplessness and loneliness you felt. You also felt that family didn’t support you, but each one of us did. You’ll never know the impact you had on everyone of us. You have inspired me in many ways, by your strength, tenacity, and authenticity.

I was your champion. I championed for you unconditionally. I really wanted you to kick this alcohol disease in the butt. I felt, if anyone can do it, you could. You were the only one bad assed enough to do it.  Sadly, I was wrong.  You gave up like you had no more fight left in you.

We had so many conversations about how this addiction had controlled and consumed other people you loved. How helpless and hopeless you felt to help them. Too many tears you shed over them. You felt they would fall victim to it and would die too young because of it.  I know the agony was a burden too great for you to carry alone. Ironically, it is you who fell into the dark hole of despair and had no strength left in you to climb out of it.

I was truly blessed to have had you in my life. We chatted…disagreed sometimes…but laughed more…we shared stories…but one thing for sure, I know, …we LOVED.  Your strength and your wisdom will always guide me forward.  I know you loved me dearly and would do anything for me. But the one thing I really wanted was for you to live and grow old with me, but you couldn’t do that for me.

I can’t stop the tears and I can’t breathe. I am broken into a million pieces.

 

This didn’t need to happen.  Life could have been different. You and I would visit, have tea and tell stories.  We should have grown old together, two little old ladies laughing about our adventures or misadventures.  Talking about our great-great grandchildren and how kids these days don’t know anything. You would write in your journal to leave a legacy for your descendants. Words, of wisdom, to guide their life.

It could still happen. Maybe. Hopefully. My wish. This is a nightmare and I want to wake up now and have the life we should be having. We should be growing old together. We should be…

Eyes on You

We all enjoy the privilege of posting and uploading whatever we like on a variety of social media sites.  Indeed, social networking is a 21st century passion for people the world over.  In fact, there is no shortage of ways to showcase our whims to the masses, be it by using Twitter, Facebook, Vine, Tumblr, Google+, Pinterest, and in blogs.   Technology created ways to keep in touch with families, friends, and like-minded people like never before. Within seconds, we can upload something for the world to see, comment, or share. All is good with our world as long as we’re connected.

 

But do we have any responsibility to our “readers” friends, and family?  Should we think ahead about what impact our posts might have on others?  Are we at all concerned about the message are we sending? Do we know what we post is a reflection of our integrity, values and beliefs?  And, more importantly, do you know what you post can stay on these sites even when you delete it?  Yes, it does, because you can bet that someone has it on his or her computer. 

It is my belief that we behave on these sites as we do in “real life”.  So if we swear, use drugs and drink excessively, or act provocatively and immaturely outside of social media, it shows up there as well.  And so where's the harm, you might ask.  After all it’s just your life, right?  

Wrong.  More people than you think see your comments and posts, unless you have absolute control of your audience.  By the way, even setting privacy setting does not give absolute control once it's posted on the internet.  

Some comments from Facebook;  

• If you see something in your newsfeed that you don't like, just hide the post, seriously that's all you have to do instead of whining about people swearing.
• One must not assume all Facebook buddies will remain as buddies. No apologies to those haters and deletists offended with my posts.  
• Facebookers, please no profanity on my facebook, no talk about your sex life, gossip, booze, drugs or gangster talk or else I will delete you.... I have young children as facebook buddies...have some respect.
•  I like to keep my pages absolutely G rated!! Not only for my kids - but for me too.    
• If I got it, I will flaunt it! If you don’t like it, too bad! Delete yourself.

My comment on this picture below was deleted shortly after I posted it.  But because it was on my computer, I am able to post it here, after I removed the names of the people. 

It was this picture posted recently that started me thinking that our behaviour as seen on social networks, will unequivocally impact others.  And is a direct reflection on character.  This picture posted by her parents, says it's okay to drink. And, finally it's legal! Never mind how the abuse of alcohol has impacted this particular family. I know this picture is supposed to be lighthearted but given their relationship with alcohol, it only gave me a heavy heart. It's like they gave up the fight, flung their arms in the air and said, she going to drink, so whatever.  And any impressionable young person on their friends, and friends of friends lists gets the message as clear as the picture. 

That said, it appears that people still view social media sites as something that is private and personal like it's there own private journal.  You know these site were not built for the user, it's designed for commercial use. They make no money from you, so I ask you, who is their target? But that's a separate topic for another day.  Let’s be clear there is nothing private and personal if it’s on a social network site! By definition. 

Awhile ago I re-posted this status update on my Facebook page, it is from a close friend after the loss of members in our community;

“The recent tragic losses in our community due to alcohol have been heavy on my heart. What can I as an individual do to raise awareness about the abuse of alcohol and drugs, which contributes to violence, accidents and even deaths?

Well, I've decided to embark on a campaign on Facebook by commenting on any of my friends and family's Facebook status that mention anything related to alcohol, drugs or violence from now on; this is to show our young people who are on Facebook that many of the comments made on Facebook about being drunk, going to parties, taking drugs and any kind of violent acts are not acceptable, not funny and often lead to disastrous outcomes. If I am deleted from your friends' list because of my anti-alcohol and drug comments, I'm okay with that.

I encourage you to join this campaign in the memory of our loved ones who we recently lost due to alcohol or drug abuse. You can start by POSTING this as your status update and begin commenting against alcohol, drugs and violence for a healthier community.”

These social network sites are rather new still and norms are being created as we transition to this new way of expressing ourselves. Having said that, we must be responsible for what we post because once it is released on the internet, it's a done deal.  And you never know, whose eyes are reading it and how that information will impact him or her.  

Life Choices

A beautiful young woman

I am extremely sad.

 

I normally blog about the lighter side of my life, but today I need to express my frustration, my anger, and my deep sadness. I  am an emotional roller coaster of emotion the last few days, and I am a wreck. 

A couple of days ago my niece was admitted to hospital.  Overnight her condition worsened and she was placed into the intensive care unit (ICU).  Late into the evening the next day she was flown to the University Hospital in Edmonton after her condition continued to deteriorate to the point that she required life support. It didn’t need to be this way.

She is in her thirties.

 

She is a mother.

She is a wonderful person with a bright smile and a kind heart.

She is an alcoholic. 

My frustration stems from feeling helpless. My anger is from wishing she had made better choices, and my sadness, is acknowledging that she is powerless against the disease, which is alcoholism.  This is a disease that is preventable. And it only makes life look hopeless.  

Alcoholism has plagued my family for as long as I can remember.  The difficulty for me is watching while my family wage their personal battles with alcoholism . The battle is sometimes won, but not always.  The battle continues as they fall victim to it again and again.  It is one day-at-a-time practice and the goal being to never give up on sobriety because there is always hope and a new beginning. There is always another day, never give up. 

There must be so much pain. When did all the pain begin? Was it because of residential schools? Was it the loss of our indigenous language and traditional lifestyle? Is it intergenerational trauma? Did it escalate after we tried to mask the pain, which created more pain? Did it have to do with racism? Low self-esteem? When will it end?  

I admit that I don’t understand it.  I don’t appreciate what it's like to walk in their shoes. I don’t know what it feels like to crave that drink in spite of what it means and how it will impact us and the people we love most.

What I do know is that it's not a fight you take on alone.  The truth is people are hurting and in pain. A pain that is hidden behind smiles and laughter.  A supportive loving and compassionate system is the only chance to win this battle. It takes a community.  Family.  Friends.  People who can help you face the difficult truth.  

Most importantly you must love unconditionally.  And by that I mean you need to demonstrate your love not by encouraging them to join in the “party” thinking that after "a few" you'll not be hurting anyone.  But rather by being there for them when they are sober.  Being there for them when they are weak.  Being there to listen. And being there to say the hard truth while letting them know that their life holds value. 

In happier times!

My niece is fighting for her life.  She is demonstrating with her life the very real possibility where this lifestyle could take you.  If, she makes it through, she is going to need support because she can never have another drop of alcohol for the rest of her life.  Which on the whole is not a bad thing.  If she doesn't make it, this will be a terrible tragedy and a huge loss for our family. 

Still, either way, if you have this problem, I challenge you to make a commitment to her that you won’t follow her into the lifestyle that had her in her prime end up in the hospital fighting for her life.  If you can do that, perhaps her tragedy will not have been in vain. The cycle of alcohol and drug abuse, including prescription drugs, must end. 

Follow Up April 3, 2012

I am pleased to write that she is living a great life without alcohol.  Life is not easy, but without alcohol she has one less complication. Newly engaged, and enjoying everyday, feeling blessed, and is making the best  of her second chance in life. She has two beautiful grandchildren.  Living life and helping out with her mom who has dementia.

When you see her, give her a hug and let her know she is loved.