LESSONS IN A 29 YEAR MARRIAGE
Twenty nine amazing loving years and counting!
Good communications are necessary in any relationship and, we need to be willing to bring up uncomfortable conversations is not only healthy but necessary.
That
said, at the end of the day, we must be doing something right to celebrate 29
years today, November 11th, 2021!
Recently I discovered Joseph Campbell’s A Hero's Journey. And thought it would be interesting if this post was written using the phases in a hero's journey. Initiation, separation call to action, challenges, cultivating allies, transformation, home.
It begins with a calling. A calling, as I understand it is an occurrence that grabs your attention. It is a disruption to your ordinary life, and it will continue showing up in different ways until it is answered. I am not impulsive, but when I get an idea in my head I move forward quickly.
When I met hubby, we connected immediately almost like we had known each other for years. I trusted him immediately. I guess, I could interpret it as a calling to a committed relationship, an adventure as it were. I embarked on a journey september 10, 1992, our first date into the unknown, I answered the call to an adventure of a lifetime.
Initiation-
a Call to Action
We had a whirlwind courtship and married two months after our first date. The first several years of marriage we were fortunate to travel to Venezuela, Paris, Australia, Hawaii, New Zealand, and Fiji. We lovingly call these trips honeymoons. It was truly an adventure. We were married five years before our son, Andrew blessed us with his arrival into our life. It was exciting times, marriage commitment, a new home and we had Andrew.
Trials and Challenges
Throughout the 29 years we experienced the loss of parents, siblings, and some friends. I resigned a senior position in Alberta sold my condo in Edmonton, Alberta and bought one in Ottawa’s east side. When I moved to Ottawa, I knew nobody. It was risky and exciting at the sametime.
I admit the risk for hubby was greater. His also involved a city change a move from Toronto to Ottawa, leaving his partnership, and starting a sole practice. And, he didn't really know me. I couldn't imagine his thought process, though there must have been apprehension, and certainly some fear, it took courage and confidence in who he saw in me to make a commitment. People in both our lives cautioned us not to jump into the relationship. We paid little attention to what others said we should do or not do as most young lovebirds do.
We didn't have many major disagreements and seemed to come to a consensus on the important things.
They say pick your battles; I don’t know who “they” are. But I noticed it’s important to select the right time to raise issues. Moreover, it is not helpful at all to be passive aggressive, say what you mean, and follow through with what you said you would do. Always speak up and don't allow issues to fester. I absolutely am one to bring up and push for honest answers. When we were first married Alan would not make a decision on little things, like where to go for dinner, what movie to watch etc. I would push it until he made a decision. I didn't always want to be the one to decide where we should go what we should see. it was important to me that he was an equal partner in our adventure.
As a young wife I was headstrong. It was either black or white and there was no gray for me. I drew a clear line. Fortunately, hubby knew not to cross it. As the years went by, I became more easy-going as my trust in hubby grew. Still, I held integrity, and honesty to be of utmost importance. Which meant trust is essential to have a good marriage. We navigate the marriage with that in the background.
A Call To Adventure A Global pandemic
Suddenly without warning we were thrown into a global pandemic in 2020. The world was turned upside down. Life became challenging and smaller, restricted to our homes. At same time it became larger as it became necessary to use technology specifically, zoom to participate at meetings. For hubby that meant no more rushing off to meetings and hotels. At the beginning it was a welcome respite, then I think he began to miss it. it was a change of scenery and routine that he missed not that rushing to the airport in the early mornings.
During the pandemic I felt it necessary to re-establish our connection to each other. The entire world was disrupted, and people adapted and pivoted. I noticed we needed to reconnect.
Hubby
and I scheduled a daily chat to check in with each other a few months into the
pandemic. I believe this was necessary because before you know it months could
go by without checking in with each other and seeing how we were coping with
the restrictions and limitations brought on by the pandemic. Emotions like fear
and anxiety need to be talked through and processed. I am glad we initiated our
daily fireside chats. I did this with Andrew as well, scheduling the time where
we can connect and do something together. My daughter lives in Hawaii I also kept
communication open with her regularly.
At times our conversation became challenging but listening with compassion and being nonjudgmental created a safe space for both of us. I looked forward to our daily chats. In a recent chat, hubby said what he noticed about me since a stroke three years ago that I’ve become laser focused. I think that was a compliment, at least I took it as such. I felt that in myself as well. I gravitated to exploring my purpose give meaning to my life.
Departure Disconnect and a New Beginning
Months into a global pandemic I resigned my position as chair and resigned from the board of governors which I had been part of for decades. I experienced a void and answered a professional calling which resulted in the creation of not-for-profit charitable organization. Seventh Generation Indigenous Foundation and Training (GIFT) It was challenging to undertake creating a new organization during a pandemic. Indeed, it was uncharted territory for me. I picked the name that would have this acronym. it reflects both my gift to first nation and the students who take the course and to the community.
With help from friends the foundation was incorporated, a bank account set up, a website created, Board of Directors appointed, and a mission statement and mandate in process. I feel a sense of purposefulness and as I request donations, I hope my passion for the work is felt by others who are willing to help.
However, the truth is, sometimes I feel alone in this mission. I am 100% focused on making this a successful foundation. I recognize that in following the hero's journey there will be challenges but through those challenges will be growth.
Return to the Beginning
As we approach a new year in marriage my intention is to continue supporting the relationship by being open and curious. I am willing to discover new things about hubby, to be surprised and intrigued. I am excited about this approach because I know there are things, I still don't know about him that will be a pleasant surprise to discover more about him. For example, as I undertook to decluttering our home, I had to be patient with him because his tendency is to hang on to old items. I remembered when we first married, he mentioned that when his family moved from Scotland to Canada his mom gave away his favorite toy, a train set. I think his disappointment of losing his favorite toy, without being asked stayed with him all these years. As much as I want to throw away things that no longer spark joy or are useful, I am mindful to keep him in the loop and give him a say in what happens to his stuff.
To be completely honest, this past year hubby’s health has not been great, and I can’t help but feel irritated. I know I shouldn't. But had he taken responsibility for his health earlier he would be in a better health today. But I lam learning to let those feelings go. For things to change it is important for each of us discover for ourselves what it is we need to do to be healthier and grow emotionally and spiritually. Moreover, I can only let him know I support him becoming healthier in the decades to come, however he wants to get there. what happens to him, is his journey. The truth is I am a tad bossy, and I remind myself daily, I must give him the space to discover for himself the best path for him on his health journey.
The vow I made is to be committed through sickness and health. At the same time, we all are responsible for our own health, and we shouldn't avoid this responsibility. Indeed, some things are beyond our control.
I suffered a right brain medical induced stroke during surgery in 2018. It was comforting to know that it was not my lifestyle or anything I had done to create this health issue. Fortunately for me, my recovery was short and quick but ongoing. Still, it is a lesson, whatever is within our control, we shouldn't ignore. Such things as eating healthy, getting exercise, drinking water, having a good night's sleep. It is all about prioritizing the important people and things in our life. And to take nothing and no one for granted. my mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother lived long into their 80s and 90s my great-grandmother reaching 100.
My intention for the next 30 years is that we continue to be healthy in mind and in body and we each take seriously the responsibility for what is within our domain to ensure we can continue to enjoy life together.
Indeed, when I look back over the 29 years I know we have grown in many ways, intellectually, emotionally,and spiritually. I have come into my own. Stronger and more confident. And I got the best anniversary gift, a Switch with a Mario Kart game. Lucky me!!! :) When hubby saw how excited I was he comment he didn't think I was serious when I asked for it until our son Andrew told him, how much loved it. Hubby said " it is easy to please you" :) like I said to him 29 years ago basically I am just a small-town girl with simple needs.
 |
| Best Gift ever From hubby! |
Hubby’s
Anniversary Message
29 years ago, I was in a crossroads. I was just recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship and assumed that I was going to be spending a lot of time alone before I would emerge from my hiding place and take a chance on another relationship.
The funny thing is, that when we had our first date in September, I knew that I had met someone very special, and when I say someone special I felt as if we knew each other deep down and could trust each other. We ended up spending that first weekend together and at the end of that weekend I gave her my house key.
It seems kind of crazy in retrospect and I suppose it was, but it didn’t feel that way at the time. It just felt natural and easy. Those first eight weeks between that first dinner date and standing in front of a judge uttering vows to each other were fun, passionate and yes, always easy. We spent a lot of time watching the Blue Jays when the World Series. The morning after that win, I went out to my little backyard in the Beach with a cup of coffee and was greeted with the sight of a Blue Jay on one of my trees. I took it as a sign, went inside and proposed.
Now, I do need to admit that I am not an easy person to live with, to get close to and certainly not to be married to for 29 years. Over the course of my life, I have managed to erect many defences. I hate being ordered about and I am always prone to misinterpret spousal conversations as if they are either orders or criticisms. Nearly always, they are neither.
Angelina is an exceptional person, unlike anybody I have ever met. What amazes me still is how easy it all was and how naturally it evolved from a first casual dinner date to getting married in a few short weeks, all with absolute certainty that it was the right and necessary path.
My first impression was that I could completely trust Angelina and I could be completely open with her without having to fear being abused for that openness. Within a couple of weeks we knew everything about each other. We had an instinctive and absolute trust in each other. 29 years have gone by and that trust has never wavered.
As Angelina says in her blog post, my health has not been great this year. I have not taken care of my health and I am paying for it now. Frankly, I am living with a great load of fear about the future.
But our marriage is rock solid. Everything Angelina suggests to me is for my own good. She is always surfing the web and listening to podcasts to try to find the keys to a healthier life not only for herself but for me as well.
It’s really funny, but the first impressions I had of her 29 years ago have been completely correct. I am married to a wise, caring, beautiful woman with an old soul. For a young soul like myself life contains a lot of insecurities. I don’t know that everything will turn out right. But she has enough security and wisdom for both of us, I think.
Next year, 30! Thanks, love of my life!
