It has been just over two weeks since injuring my knee. And,
because I could not put weight on it, I have been using a wheelchair to get
around. I am grateful to be able to
afford renting a wheelchair for a couple of weeks, and I am now able to bear
weight on my knee and have been practicing walking. I am more determined than
ever to strengthen my knee and again get mobile on my own two legs.
As a blogger, it occurred to me to document how I have felt
over the last couple weeks.
Depending on others for even the most basic tasks is foreign
to me. I believe that my doctor must
have sensed this difficulty in our last appointment because he urged me not to
be alone and to make arrangements for either someone to be with me or for me to
stay with someone when hubby had to be away on business. He called me to ask if
I had made arrangements a couple of days after the appointment. At that moment I was cognizant of how
important it was to my healing. And I
fully understood his apprehension, because at this point, he knew me well
enough to know that I have a strong independent streak which might get me in
trouble if I were to push my independence beyond my abilities and have an accident,
and that of course would set me back even further.
Honestly, this has been a very difficult period for me, even
more difficult than not being able to drive because of my stroke. At the same
time, this has been an interesting experience, which confirmed how bullheaded I
could be. If indeed there was ever a
question about that!
We take for granted so many things when they are operating
properly. Being forced to use a
wheelchair has changed my perspective regarding those with mobility challenges.
However, in my case this is temporary. That said, I have been routinely checking
access in public places, like restaurants and stores. Before I ventured out I would check if there
are impediments for access at our destination. I was very mindful of asking for
help and would only ask for help as a last resort. But at the same time, I
resented being in a position to have to ask for help. Accepting a need to ask
for help is difficult for me at the best of times – a trait that I share with
hubby!
Apart from my reluctance to ask for help, the more difficult
part was to overcome my fear of pain when I began to walk. Fear is an interesting
emotion, because it prevents you from moving forward because you may encounter whatever your rationalized fear, when in fact moving forward will eventually diminish that fear. Fear literally stopped me, even in
spite of being fully aware that succumbing to my fear would create a host of
other problems and perhaps jeopardize my healing. fear at best is an irrational thought. I made a decision not to be
practicing to walk without supervision. I had to be smart and incorporate
balance, my need for independence and my need to be safe and to only do things
that encouraged healing adhering to my doctor’s apprehension regarding my safety.
Most of us take our legs for granted, like I did. Like
anything we don't appreciate what it would be like if we lost the use of it,
until it occurs. Normal everyday tasks become obstacles to be dealt with. Even
being able to reach for items in upper cupboards was a challenge. Being able to
turn the knobs on the stove was also a challenge. Even opening doors became a problem. Simply
taking a cup of tea into another room to watch TV was problematic too. It is
eye-opening to discover how many things I took for granted that required using
both legs. And, doing little tasks in the kitchen became monumental. For
example, when I wash dishes, my low position in the wheelchair causes water to
drift down my arms and on to my shirt, and putting dishes away took more time to
go around the island counter to the other side. (Fortunately, hubby doesn't complain
about doing dishes.)
No one thinks about how they will cope if they couldn't use
their leg, when they have very capable legs. And if they have, I assure you the
reality is much different. It will be
both a physical and a mental adjustment, there is no avoiding that. One
time I slipped out of my wheelchair overreaching for an item that fell on the
floor, but luckily Andrew was home at the time and he was able to come to my
rescue. I was able to lift myself up using my arms onto
the chair again while he supported it.
However, what I found really interesting is how people treated
me. I don't mean in a negative way; people at their core are very compassionate.
However, they unconsciously begin to treat
you as though you are a child. Calling me “dear”, or “sweetie”, although this
could simply appear to be terms of endearment, but it felt as if I was being
assumed to be not capable or fully adult. And, if you know anything about me,
you will know that I can be stubborn, and very capable, making me perhaps overly
sensitive.
In any case, I will do for myself before asking for help.
During this period, I found myself missing my late brother Samuel. Because I
know that if I had called him, he would have been here on the next plane, no
questions asked. And he would have been happy to do it. However, the reality is
even though I have a large family they all have their own lives and for me to
ask for this type of help would have been a real inconvenience to them. I am
fortunate to have people around, though, that are very helpful.
I am grateful that I was able to get through this on my own,
with a bit of help from hubby, and my son, Andrew. At the end of the day, what
I am most grateful for is that this is a temporary condition. This cannot be emphasised
enough. And, every day I am grateful to
be in a relationship that is supportive. Hubby even organised his schedule to
ensure he was home with me more often. I appreciate and am grateful to the
clients who understood the difficulty we were having and accommodated his
request.
The lessons that I have learned by this experience is to ask
for help and the knowledge that friends who showed up to help really did so out
of their kindness and compassion, like my good friend Khalid. I am so grateful
for that.
Fortuitously we remodeled the bathroom last year, and it was
immensely helpful in my daily routine because I knew I was absolutely safe in
the shower, and that is the utmost awesome feeling, which is priceless. I am
grateful for that.
My experience with the wheelchair has made me more
compassionate towards people who depend on wheelchairs to get around
permanently. And I am more keenly aware of obstacles for access in public
places. I have only used a wheelchair
for two weeks, but it felt more like months.
I really didn't need this experience after dealing with the
effects of having a stroke last year, but once again, the fact that I am a
meditator has served me well in how I managed this latest bit of difficulty and
it helped me maintained my humour and cheerfulness. At the end of the day, I am
not a victim. I am resilient and resourceful. My setback is minor compared to what many others
have to deal with daily. I am deeply grateful
for the support I have at home.
When faced with an unexpected physical crisis what you need
are:
1.
Love
2.
Support
3.
Laughter
4.
Netflix
5.
Friends who bring tea and conversation
6.
Music
7.
Podcasts
8.
Meditation
Postscript - Hubby’s perspective
Hi, Hubby here. Reading
this post makes me reflect on how this temporary struggle has affected me as a
hubby and our relationship. After 26
years of marriage you tend to have settles into routines and you tend to have
agreed on a domestic division of labour that becomes more or less automatic. If
your better half is independent, sweet, kind but at the same time stubborn, and
you are a person who tends to be less forthcoming about your feelings, your
conduct and expectations of each other adapt themselves to those traits.
When that independent, sweet, kind and stubborn person is
confined to a wheelchair, strains develop.
She is confined to bed much of the time, and as she has written, even
getting around the house presents challenges and frustrations. My first reaction was to want to stay home
and be as helpful as possible. But I
have a busy law practice to keep going that requires me to travel to client
meetings. I don’t much like cooking, but
I had to be the cook. Add to that that I
am now the only driver in the family, and the little strains begin to mount. As I mentioned, I am a person who bottles up
my frustrations until they burst out all at once, usually at home, because I
can’t express them with clients. So that
has been a bit of a problem. Little frustrations
can expand into bigger resentments. With
us these don’t last, however. And that
is a key to our success as a couple.
Some aspects of the experience have not bothered me in the
least. Not only do I not mind pushing
her wheelchair and helping her into the shower or the car, but I enjoy the simple
feeling of being a help to her. I have
always lived with a sneaking suspicion that over the course of the last 26 years
she has done more for me than I have for her, and this gives me a pleasant sensation
of evening the ledger.
One of the nice things has been that on the occasions that I
couldn’t reschedule a business trip, better half has been able to come with me,
and we have had some nice little spontaneous outings. This is when her sweetness comes to the
fore. Little things like a dinner out or
just a drive will break the monotony of a wheelchair bound life. It gives us space to just be together with a
bit of a change of scenery.
I agree with better half’s list of what is needed to survive
a medical crisis. For the other spouse,
you will have to draw on your patience and your capacity to empathize with the other
person. It is a temporary test of your
love, and I think on the whole we have managed it rather well.
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