LESSON LEARNED

LESSON LEARNED

bathroom flowers 

This week's blog is on relationships, and +specifically when there is a communication breakdown in a relationship. Have you ever had problems in a friendship because of communication?   Well, I just experienced a series of emotions after I did something which resulted in damaging a long-standing friendship as the result of decisions made in the interests of an organization.  After careful consideration, going back and forth and accepting my part in the breakdown of the friendship, the question I should have asked myself is: what would I have changed if I could turn back the clock?  

I finally accepted I would change nothing. In the end what happened was what should happen. If our relationship had to be damaged or even sacrificed, I accept it. I have nothing to apologize for, I acted in accordance to my obligation to my organization.  

I knew that my loyalties were being tested by the situation we were in.   One of my colleagues had actually asked me if I could act for the good of the organization even if it harmed my friendship?  Of course, I could say it was only business, and not personal, but I hate when people say that because it is always personal, indeed it is difficult to separate business from friendship.

For sure, my first impulse is to justify my action.   Honestly, I do feel bad about my part in this drama, and I feel terrible that I let my friend down, there is no denying that. I am truly sorry.  My friend gave so much over the years, and must have felt left betrayed in our friendship, and dishonoured in her great contributions. We've shared so much over the years had such good times together I knowledge her contributions to the organization, her dedication and commitment mean a lot. I know I hurt her. And for that I am sorry. 

Of course, according to the demands of friendship, I should have showed up for my friend, when I realized how events were unfolding. But I remained silent.  The truth is that I was scared -- scared of being seen as not having the right intention and commitment.  I was scared that my motivation would be put into question and my loyalty would be perceived as putting a friendship ahead of the organization.  Yes, I admit this is beginning to sound a lot like rationalization.

Over the years I have done a lot of self-realization work to improve myself and become a better human.  I think any apology would fall on deaf ears, especially since my email is blocked.   Perhaps after some time and with a little perspective my friend will be open to hearing my perspective and my acceptance of responsibility for my role in this story. 

It is inevitable as humans we will encounter conflict and crisis. And it is inevitable in relationships that there will be miscommunications.  At the end of the day, how we respond in a situation will either elevate us or prove we are not as evolved as we believe. For me, acknowledging that we have a story, and it is our bias and perspective that creates a translation of the events that either validates our story, it will either make us right or wrong.

In this case, my two loyalties were put to the test.  My friendship did not prevent me from acting as my duty and conscience required.  I can regret that I caused pain to a friend, but having spent a few days reflecting on the situation, I don’t regret my actions.

In end, although I do feel bad, and for the time being I must accept that the only communication to express my regret through is this blog post.  One my friend may never read. Technology has created and opened communications like never before, however it has also made it more difficult to communicate. I accept that my friend does not want to hear from me.   

Are we disenchanted with one another?

Are we disenchanted with one another?

Recently, I attempted to create a document of family phone numbers.  I have a huge family and we live across Canada in different  provinces and even different countries. Although Facebook is a platform that is great to connect with one another it still is somewhat impersonal. Sometimes a family member will tell me that “no one calls me.” I agree that we are not in touch as often as we should be because we are all pretty busy. So, I thought it would be a good idea to create a document with all the family contacts that I have and share it with the family in the event that they may also want to be in touch with each other. I proposed to post it in our family Facebook page that is only accessible by family members.  I thought that it would be welcomed.

Almost immediately, it became evident that there were some trust issues. On sending out my plan a number of family members said they did not want me to share their number with others. Maybe they didn’t trust me to keep their number from being circulated. It is interesting to me at least that this happened.  I am okay with what transpired but I am puzzled why family are reluctant to share their phone number. 

There was even a comment that my idea was “weird” and another commented “why do you want to post it”?  I simply thought that creating a document with all the numbers – a little family phone book if you will - was actually doing something good. If somebody else had created such a document I would’ve been happy to receive it, because it is actually a lot of effort to collect these numbers.

Mama (my late mother) always carried a small phone book with numbers of all the family members on it.  It was pretty worn out with many numbers crossed out and new numbers  written in. When I would visit my her she would always ask me to phone my one of my many brothers or sisters and I would access the number in her tattered book. She always enjoyed being in touch with her children.  It was in that spirit that I wanted to create this document so that my brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews and cousins could easily be in touch with one another.  However, I also understand that in the age of technology we are careful with the information we put online. I understand that, and also that there is something to be said for old-fashioned pen and paper. If numbers are in a physical book here is less of a fear that the information will be transferred to someone who could not be trusted. 

I find it ironic that we live in an age of technology where all sorts of personal – even intimate - information is routinely and publicly shared, while at the same time we are afraid of breaches of our privacy if information is shared with the wrong person.  We rightly want to control what information is shared and what information we keep private.  It is a balance we deal with each day as we interact on various social media platforms. However, the truth is that everything we put online can be viewed by others and in reality only limited privacy is preserved.

At the end of the day, I decided against sharing a document with family contact information on Facebook and instead I will keep that information private and to myself.  It is noteworthy to say that the family page is actually restricted to just family, so any fears that it would be shared throughout the web is actually unfounded. Because only those family who are on this page would see the information.  

If somebody had just said they would like the document email to them I would  have gladly provided it to them. But nobody asked for it. In fact, out of 55 family members who have access to our family page, I actually only received less than 10 current phone numbers, and of those, four indicated they did not want their information shared.  It is a bit of a sad realization for me.

Inasmuch as we like to think of our family as being close, this brief exercise illustrates to me that we actually don’t have any interest in keeping in touch with one another, sadly.  Or else, our fear of losing control of our personal privacy overrides our desire to access basic family information.

Nevertheless, I am glad that I initiated this exercise because it confirms to me that my family prefers to keep to themselves.  There is nothing wrong with that – I am by nature a private person  myself.  Or does it mean that within the family there is mistrust of each other.  If so I have a bit of a problem with that.  When did we become disillusioned with one another?  It must have happened gradually and maybe I am naïve for not noticing. Is it unrealistic for me to think that we could have a cohesive and tight family dynamic?  Is it because our family is too big  and diverse to find common ground of mutual respect and love?  How can I support our family to create more  interest in one another?   What kind of action can we jointly do that will enhance our relationship?  

I am thinking something like a “community” where we can rely on one another, and create stronger relationships with one another.  Is this something that the family is interested in, or is it just me?  Years ago, I created the family page initially to support research on our genealogy.  I created a massive family tree and everyone seemed to be energized by the product when they saw it printed out on the wall.

For a time it worked, and then over time some

conflict ensued, and family members started removing themselves from the page. The original spirit of the page seem to be lost. What I was trying to achieve was a page where we as a family could have a dialogue, remain in touch and express our interest in each other. However when conflict arose, instead of working through the conflict, some family opted to remove themselves.  We seem to have lost the ability or desire to listen to each other.  I get calls from family members who are hurt and crying because they don’t feel they are loved by other family members.   I feel their pain and their suffering, but I know it is not true.  I know that WE do LOVE each other but sometimes we find it hard to show it to one another.

I think although we love each other, but sometimes we don’t always like each other. My promise to my family is that I will always be here for you.  If you just need someone to be a sounding board, I am here.  Know that as long as we are family you are never alone. You can trust me to not abandon you.  And if you confide private information to me, I will not betray your trust.

younger generation