What is love?
There are many ways to define it.
There is romantic love, family love, lust, friendship; what do all the
different definition of love have in common? Respect, honor, loyalty,
friendship, compromise, trust, honesty. It is a strong attraction and an emotional
attachment to another person. That warm fuzzy feeling!
26 years
ago, November 11, at 11 am 1992, I married my friend. We had only been dating for a couple months.
But I felt he knew me better than most people I had known my entire
life. I actually proposed to him over
the phone after a friend who knew us both jokingly encouraged me to ask him because,
as she put it “we were made for each other”.
Since I was in a playful mood, I called him and asked him to marry me as
soon as we hung up before I lost my nerve. I actually was using it as an opening for a
date. He didn’t accept then, but he got the message that I was interested in
him. And we had our first date on September 10th, 1992, A couple
weeks later. I tried to take my proposal back because it
was meant as a lighthearted joke and I didn’t want him to be obligated to
respond. But Alan would not have it, saying the proposal had to stand. He later proposed to me the morning of
October 25, after the Blue Jays won the World Series against the Braves Because
he saw a blue Jay on a tree that morning and took it as a good sign that he
should propose. I don’t think that was an
any crazier reason to propose than me phoning him out of the blue and
proposing. I guess, we are made for
each other after all. Lol
As we
approach our 26th anniversary I feel immense satisfaction that getting
married to my best friend was the right decision in spite of the opinion from
friends who thought we were rushing into it.
I recall vividly how I was feeling a couple of weeks prior to getting
married. It was an exciting period in our
life. We were in love. Our courtship
although brief was filled with tenderness and romance. Chinese takeout from the
Wokker, watching taped episodes of Twin Peaks in front of a wood burning
fireplace. Listening to Keith Richards The first CD Alan gifted me, it was a
new release and Really good music, which I never herd before!
And, of course watching the World Series, train
rides to see each other. The world was beautiful and romantic.
We chose to have a small intimate ceremony at
Osgoode Hall in Toronto, Ontario.
I
remember not wanting a huge fancy wedding.
I am hesitant to be the centre of
attention.
The intimacy of a small wedding perfectly
suited my personality.
The night
before our wedding we drafted our vows together after dinner. The vows were directly from our heart and
soul. The morning of our wedding we woke
up early and had a leisurely breakfast and got ready to go to Osgoode
Hall. It was a cool brisk morning cloudy and
overcast. There was no stress or
fuss. Since it was Remembrance Day the
traffic was light. When we got to Osgoode Hall, we were the only ones there
because it the courts were closed for Remembrance Day. I remember the sound of our shoes echoing in
the empty hallway as we made our way to the chambers of the Honourable Justice
Roy McMurtry, who would go on to be the Chief Justice of Ontario and a friend
of Alan’s, officiated. After the ceremony we went to lovely nearby
restaurant for lunch. It was exciting, and
some lawyers from Alan’s firm stopped at our table to congratulate us having
heard we got married earlier that morning. Someone sent over some wine.
After lunch
we drove to Montebello Hotel in Québec for our honeymoon. When we arrived, it was snowing lightly and our
room was not ready. We had to wait in the lounge for it. We were too late for dinner and all they had
were some sandwiches. I remember that
we were both a little grumpy. However,
in the morning I realized what a beautiful log cabin hotel we were at. We stayed four days before going back to
work.
Alan drove back to Toronto and I stayed in
Ottawa at my condo. However, we didn’t
actually live together until February when Alan decided to leave his law firm and practice law as a
sole practitioner and moved in with me. That was the beginning of our 26 years of
marriage. Our first five years of marriage we did a lot
of traveling combining personal with business as I spoke at conferences in Sidney
Australia, Melbourne Australia, Adelaide Australia, Hamilton New Zealand,
Hawaii, New Mexico. We took trips
to Venezuela, Barbados, Mexico, Fiji, Hawaii,
Paris, and I traveled on my own to speak at workshops and conferences in Bogotá
Columbia Lima, Peru. Alberta,
Saskatchewan. B.C. We referred to
all of our trips as honeymoons, and they all felt like it.
I admit
there has been some occasional miscommunications over the years. But thankfully never anything lasting or
damaging. We always manage to overcome
those obstacles by talking through them.
Communication
is vital for a healthy relationship. Never stop talking. When
you are ready to talk have your intention be to really listen to your
partner. When your partner gets that
you are really listening it breaks down barriers and opens up the heart. Don’t
be afraid to admit you are wrong, or to admit you don’t know the answers. Be
honest. Be real. Have integrity in all parts of your marriage.
Lessons over 26 years, that helped me
In a marriage, you know your partner’s
strength, weaknesses and innermost fears better than anyone. Don’t abuse that
knowledge to hurt or embarrass the other. Be an advocate for each other.
I adore hubby. He is attentive, supportive and fun to be
around. 26 years together so far and I
hope we have many, many, more wonderful years together.
I enjoy being part of his life because he is
passionate about so many things like his collection of fountain pens, music, books
and cars. He often recommends things to me which I undoubtedly would also
enjoy. I trust
his taste in music, movies and books. We
have a number of common interest as well as separate and independent
interests.
I admire
his impeccable integrity and his authenticity.
What attracted me to him before we even met
was his intelligence. I read a number of his legal opinions because we were in
the same area of work, the field of aboriginal and treaty rights. I also read speeches he drafted for others
and papers he had published or delivered at conferences. I discovered that I liked how his mind
worked and how he reduced complicated legal issues to their foundation and
first principles. His style of writing
was easy to read, logical and had sound reasoning. To me this demonstrated clarity in his
thinking and processing.
We met at a
Canadian bar association (CBA) conference in Ottawa where he was delivering a
paper. I had just moved to Ottawa
earlier that year where he was scheduled to speak first thing in the morning at
the conference. Actually, I was there
with my team, and the lawyer who incidentally encouraged me to call him months
later. We all went out that evening for a lovely Indian dinner. Including my
boss, Bill who was an associate of his, from his former law firm. As it turned out I was attracted to more
than his intelligence in the end. We actually had chemistry and similar
interests! And, I really liked him as a person,
26 years later and one almost 21-year-old son, it is as true today as when we
first met. I am a lucky woman to have
found real love.
On an interesting note, we should have met much
earlier, because we had a number of friends in common and had actually been at the
same conferences at the same time in previous years. specifically, One such conference in Montréal
where we remember being part of a group conversation but evidently we were not
introduced to each other then.
The
following are points that I believe makes our marriage strong.
1. Like being with each other. Love him even at
their worst moods. Be respectful, even when you disagree.
2. Respond to conflict, Don’t react
3. Don’t try to change each other
4. Always say what you mean, and mean
what you say. Don’t shut down
emotionally from each other
5. Don’t intentionally say hurtful
things about the other
6. Don't bring up past mistakes.
7. Ask for clarification when you don’t
understand one another
8. Never make assumptions about the
other person.
9. Keep perspective and don’t blow things
out of proportion
10. Build each other up, be supportive
11. Have empathy, try to see things from
their point of view
12. When you do things for each other, do it with love
not out of obligation
13. Be the first to apologize after a disagreement
14. Never
walk away during an argument without first hugging.
15. compromise
make sure your partner understands that you value their opinion
16. Don’t
be so serious, make room for laughter
17. Keep your word
18. Anticipate your partner’s needs
19. Always chose to see the best in each
other
20. Keep it simple, fun and
uncomplicated
21. Remember we are human, and mistakes
happen
22. Be willing to forgive
