I AM SORRY!

Above the Clouds

This week I experienced something I’ve never experienced before.  I attempted an apology that went horribly wrong. Saying I am sorry never seemed so awkward.

We live with the expectation of certain actions will garner specific outcomes.  I know communications can be complex and sometimes difficult to circumnavigate. But one thing I always thought is that if you apologized, really meant it, this would provide closure and move the conversation forward in a positive way.

I was wrong.

This is the story. A few of months ago I learnt that I hurt someone 17 years ago by not allowing that person to say over at my place. The funny thing is I remember the incident clearly, my mind works like that.

It was a stormy winter evening and I was home alone with my son because my husband was away on business. I just put my newborn son in his crib, and was settling down to read, when I got a call.  The person, who was living with a family member, was at the airport, and asked if they could camp at my house for the night. Until last fall, I never met that person. Although since then, we had what I thought was some very friendly conversations on the phone over the years.

Normally, I welcome unexpected visitors especially if I am home alone.  But on this particular evening I was feeling tired, with a winter storm brewing, and a little baby. I didn’t feel comfortable driving the 2 hours round trip to the airport.  I said, “I can’t come and get you.”  If you know me, you would know how hard it is for me to say no. Although, asking for help from someone you never met, I am certain equally difficult.

Now jump forward to the current year, I find out at the time of this incident this person was actually unhealthy. And didn’t have the money to go to a hotel, which resulted in a horrifying 22 hours layover at the airport. And to top it off since I denied the request for a bed, I added to the pain.  Because I didn’t know the person, I didn’t know there was a health concern. Imagine how horrible I felt with the news, and had I known then, what I just learned, I would have pack the baby and head off to the airport. I told the person who told me this news I felt bad and would apologize. Thinking at the time because it seemed like after 17 years it was still a problem, I would have to apologize in person.

Communication has to be clear to avoid misunderstandings. Often we leave out information thinking the person we are communicating with already knows what we are thinking. That was our mistake in this instance. If I were told there was a health and finance issue, things would have been different. But little did I know the pain I caused, being oblivious until recently, to what saying “no” meant 17 years earlier.

After an abrupt email response from this person in mid September, I gave it some further thought, and I decided to apologize sooner rather than to wait until we met in person.  I made the call a couple of days ago. I was tongue-tied, and could not say anything right, after I was told my apology was meaningless.  The call ended terribly and I felt bad.

This is how the call unfolded. I identified myself and said I was calling to apologize, in return I was met with hostility and curtness.  At the same time, the person thank me for apologizing but then said the time to apologize was long time passed. Basically saying, I know you are sorry but it is not enough. What could I do at this point but to repeated that I am sorry.  I asked what I could do to make it better and I was willing to hear what needed to be said to me. But it was too late after a few words were exchanged the phone was passed on to another person.  My apology was rejected. I felt like a failure because I seemed to have piled on more hurt and anger for this person by calling.

I called a friend, who is a life coach to talk this over. By the way, she is an amazing person with so much knowledge in human relationships. She affirmed that I did the appropriate thing in providing space to listen and be ready to hear what needed to be said to me. She reminded me of our ego, and how when we are faced with a difficult conversation we tend to want to be right and make the other person wrong. That is our default. We need to avoid that reaction. I got it.

But at the time of my apology, I got trapped into making myself right. Especially  when I was accused of terrible treatment of this person every time we met. I tried to say we met only once, which is a fact. I wanted details when we met, and the nature of the abuse and hurt I cause so I can defend myself. But that meant I was making that other person wrong. I should not have been defensive.  

Let it go. I get it.

If you let go of being right, there is no room to go and the situation is neutralized. I will apologize in person to this person again. Even, if I feel more hesitant now because I may get shut down again. But it is not about me, is it?  

Life gives us a series of learning curves and it is up to us individually to strive to always be a better person.

Are You the Driver

Life Happens! 

I am the driver.  I am in control of how my life unfolds and how I navigate the bumps along the way.  If you take my wheel, I might let you, for a while.  But then I will gently take it back because I accept that, I, alone am responsible for where I am going. 

I am a people watcher. I have excellent intuitive skills and in knowing what someone is about to do. When I am driving, I notice drivers around me, and I can tell when someone is about to change lanes beside me.  I modify what I am going to do by reacting to what others around me are about to do.  This is a lesson from driver training class, to always share the road because no two people can be in the same space at the same time. That is chaos. 

I am a risks taker. I have been known to pick up hitchhikers.  Once, while driving with a co-worker, I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker, but just as I watched him running towards my vehicle I had this feeling I should just drive away leaving him in my rear view mirror.  But, I didn’t because it would be discourteous.  Nothing happened. However, later we heard on the news that a mental patient had escaped from the institute near where we stopped.  Lesson here is always trust your gut, even if you might hurt someone’s feelings or look bad.

I am a big picture kind of girl. Here again, lessons from my driver instructor, who emphasized in class to always see the "big picture".  If there is an obstacle blocking your view, don’t just speed ahead, slow down and pull back until you see the big picture, what is ahead, beside, and behind you.  When it is clear on all sides, make a decision, don’t hesitate, and just proceed forward.

I like to be prepared and ask questions.  I like to think of all possibilities and things that can happen down the road. Much like having an emergency kit in my car with the usually stuff, candle, blanket, and chocolates. Although, the chocolates I have to keep replenishing for some reason. Be prepared by having the right tools at the ready.  That said, it does not mean I am not occasionally spontaneous, sometimes, I like to just get in my car and drive just for the experience.

Timing is important. I detest being late and will continuously allow for possible interruptions. Most of the time I am early, which gives me time to pause and clear my head before proceeding. If there is a delay, as has happened recently due to someone I picked up who was not ready on time.  I decided to accept it without anxiety, and allow that whenever we got there will be fine.  In this instance, there was a horrible accident, and if I had my way, I would have been there right in the middle of that accident.  If time is out of your control, it is best to just go with it.

I am flexible.  But I admit, at times it takes more effort for me to change directions.  It’s all about inertia, once I am moving down a path, it’s more difficult to halt and go in a different direction.  However, when I trust my instincts, it is nothing for me to do a u-turn right then and there, usually with gusto. It is a rush to proceed into the unknown sometimes.

I am goal driven. This is the thing that most defines me. I have to know where I am going, what my goal is,  and at the end of the day what waits for me.  I need to be prepared. It’s like having a map, although, I don’t read like maps because I get carsickness if I try reading them in a moving car. But, I do love the GPS in my car. I love it, but don’t blindly trust it.  I must know, for myself, where I am going generally before I get into the driver's seat, so when I am given directions, I know them to be somewhat correct. I've heard too many stories of people ending up in the ditch because they followed their GPS instead of using their brain.  Always question, am I on the right road. 

Life to me is about knowing what I can control, accepting what I can't control, asking questions, and trusting my instincts. These understandings have guided me as I traveled. They are important because, as we know,  life happens, whether it is according to our plan or not.  Ultimately, it is how we react and adjust to the plan that makes the journey exciting. But most importantly, don't forget to have fun and pick up people along the way, with whom you can  enjoy the scenery.  Although, just not those on the road close to the mental institute. Just saying! 

My Truth

Fearless Andrew when he was about 5 years old

Although today began with rain and it was quite muddy at the farmers’ market it was a beautiful fall morning.  I was happy to have Andrew accompany me and carry the heavy bag!

On our drive home I was thinking about something I read on TED, you can read it here.  A question, “What ten things you know to be true?” 

Here is my list

1.    Facing your fears will enhance your life

2.    True love is unconditional

3.    Gossip hurts people

4.    learning keeps your mind flexible 

5.    The sound of children’s laughter is sweet music

6.    To be a person of integrity, you must have it in all aspects of your life

7.    Chocolate is the elixir of life

8.    Friends and Family are important in all phases of life

9.    A smile is powerful

10. Reading transcends time and space 

Letting Go / #2

Last night was our first night without our 11 year old son, eight more nights to go. I thought I'd share a letter from the principal emailed to the parents because it really describes how I was feeling. We parents, are feeling all the conflicting emotions described so well in his letter to us. As difficult as it is to let go, we have complete confidence in his teacher Karen and her colleagues and while we are experiencing considerable anxiety we know that this trip can not only transform our children's level of self-confidence, it will build a unique bond with the people they will be sharing the next two years with.

I will add the letters up dating the parents from the principal as I receive them...

His itinerary includes!
Parc Jacques Cartier
Saint Simeon
Gaspe Peninsula A ferry across Saint Lawrence River Whale watching!
Basecamp Parc Gaspesie Hiking climb Mont Ernest Laforce & Mont Jacques Cartier

(First letter) Dear Parents,

I am in daily contact with our junior high students and both Karen and I thought it would be helpful if I sent everyone a daily update. I’ve spoken to Karen both last night and again this morning. They set up camp about an hour north of Quebec City last night and enjoyed a picture perfect evening watching the sun set over the river. This morning they were treated to a catered breakfast and were getting ready for a day on the water in the new wet suits and kayaks. They will have a catered supper later today. This allows them 24 hours to get used to traveling before the attempt to both travel and prepare their own meals.

I know this is a big step for a lot of students and a lot of parents. I’m lucky enough to have had three girls...two of which went to KMS and now two of whom are off on their own. As a parent I know how gut wrenching it is to say goodbye. When I dropped my oldest daughter off at Humber two years on Labour day I found a fruit store that was open and bought fruit because my daughter had no food on a holiday Monday...as if a 21 year old couldn’t find a Subway in Toronto. I realized I was just buying the fruit so I could go back to the residence and make sure she was OK. She was absolutely fine. Just like we leave toddlers at the classroom door when they are two...and we must someday drive away from them...the adolescent trip is a watershed event for all of us. Not all children are ready to let go at the same time...but what I know from experience is that children often surprise us at their maturity and determination when we give them real life opportunities to demonstrate to us how strong they are.

Karen French has been doing this for over 15 years. We could not ask for a more experienced or compassionate person to have our young people travel with.
I’ll continue to send daily emails to everyone to keep everyone up to date. I told all the students when they were leaving that they may well learn more in the next nine days than they have learned in the last nine months....and that the lessons they learn are the kind of life lessons that are invaluable.

Another Letter(Sunday)...
Dear Parents,

Karen checked in again both Saturday night and again early Sunday morning. They have had another meaningful day before packing up and getting ready to head further up the north shore. The students took turns jumping into and “eddy” before being “saved” by other students further down the river who were waiting with ropes and floaters. What great experience, I thought, actually practicing how to save someone. Who knows when that life skill will literally be a life skill.

Karen mentioned that at this stage on the journey now the students have “settled in” and realize they still have several more days together. As we all know when we travel something happens at the midpoint that tells you “it’s more than half over”. They are not at that midpoint yet and that’s the value of longer excursions...it keeps students in the moment and focused on the tasks for the day...rather than...oh in two days it’s over.

Karen also noted the dynamic this year is so much more valuable...with our grade eight leaders comforting the odd student who needs support. We are lucky to have someone like Karen who is willing to give up nine days with her own family and is driven by her own commitment to the program. As she keeps reminding me “our students need these opportunities to grow and mature and be given real challenges to solve, that’s what this trip is all about.

You’ll hear from me all again on Monday. We have been blessed so far with absolutely perfect weather...as all campers know...it’s heaven in good weather...and something else in bad.


Another up-date Tuesday, just as I was becoming a tad nervous...

Dear Parents,

Karen called this morning. The students have arrived at the Chic Choc mountains as planned and were preparing to climb Mont Ernest Laforce today. It’s definitely turned cooler in the past 24 hours but everyone is still in good spirits. They found the Gaspe quite breathtaking and were amazed at how wide the St. Lawrence is at that point. I’ve been up both the north and south shore to “the end of the road” several times and you really do feel like it’s another world.
Karen will check in again tomorrow.

Count Down to Home begins is evident in this letter...(Thursday)

Dear Parents,

Karen checked in last night. They had just finished climbing the mountain and were rewarded by seeing a herd of caribou. With the temperature dropping I asked Karen if everyone was able to stay warm and she assured me that even the though the temperature was as low as zero during the night they all had good sleeping bags and were wearing lots of clothes to stay warm.

I’m sure at this point they are looking forward to their own beds and a home cooked meal. Correct me if I’m wrong...but they will return with a new appreciation of “home” and the comforts provided by the adults in that home.

Their last real day is today when they will come back to Quebec City and have more nights camping below the old city. When they study the early settlers camping along the St. Lawrence as they worked their way inland..they will have a good sense of what it must have felt like.

We expect them home about 4 pm tomorrow.

Last Update Heading Home (Friday!)

Dear Parents,

The last night of camping was relatively uneventful. Today the students just pack up and head for home. We are hoping they will be in by 4:00pm.I will touch base with the group once they actually depart. This will give us a better sense of their actual arrival time. If it’s going to be significantly different I will be sure to email everyone.

I’m sure everyone will be glad to be home...which was one of the objectives of the adventure. There will be lots of time to talk and for the students to digest their Odyssey. All that’s really important when they arrive is for them to know we are all glad they are back and that just finishing is a major accomplishment.

I know for almost everyone, this is the longest they have traveled with non family members...and it may well prove to the longest adventure of their life outside their immediate family. It will remain a peak experience for years to come...and when they contemplate a high school or university trip for a week to Europe in a few years they will just smile and say...”no big deal...I did a much more challenging trip back in grade seven & grade eight....and what...we are staying in hotels...sweet.”

Sincerely,

Jonathan Robinson