FAMILY COGNITIVE DISSONANCE, Is it a product of technology?

 

Family, Can't Live with them, Can't live Without them  

  

 We are Good People 

First,  my family is normal and probably no more dysfunctional than the average family.  But it is extremely large and spread over much of Canada, Hawaii, and Australia.  That said, many members of the family can be triggered quickly. And I know it is unfair that I set them up occasionally with a provocative comment or text. Most of the family uses Facebook to keep in touch. Technology is not a good substitute for face-to-face  conversation. 

I don't understand why we behave as we sometimes do that causes emotional upset.   Most  of the time we can laugh and enjoy being together.  However,lately, largely due to the global pandemic, in person contact is rare and that is just part of the problem.  more and more we have become reliant on keeping in touch electronically.     We have photos and memories.    I enjoy posting photos of family get-togethers, it brings back fond memories.   And this is how this particular upset started.   

I have a picture with the nephew we are both smiling. He has blocked and removed me on Facebook.  Occasionally I will take out the photo and look at his  smiling face arms around me.  I vividly remember the moment the photo was taken.  And  it makes me smile knowing we were once close.   I don't cringe when I see photos of him.    I know he  gossips about me to family members and I don't care.  I don't know if he wants to erased me from his life,  and his past. These are his issues to work out on his own. 

In this blog I have intentionally posted pictures of good times.  I want to create lasting memories of the closeness we feel as family the ease we weave in and out of our relationship, regardless of time and distance.  At the same time, some members of the family will not like some photos I post.  It is important to remember that all they are is a facsimile of a person or event.  And they hold no power other than what you give them.  More importantly, not seeing any photos of you with the person you now want to distance from does not erase the history you had with that person.  It does not mean you never had happiness around that person it does not undo the relationship, or tie with that person. 

 

Context

Most Of the family know I manage the private family group page on Facebook.  This morning as I was posting and updating the family page something occurred to make me reconsider why I maintain that page.  By and large I am cognizant of our differences and make every attempt not to create waves and upset contrary to what I said earlier.  When it comes to family I don't go out of my way to upset them.  Today, I made a choice to include some family photos, not the one  I was asked to remove from Facebook. 

When I updated the family group page with the photo of a father, his wife, and adult son.  The parents are estranged.  No sooner had photograph been posted I received a message asking that it be removed, no explanation just "please remove."    I was shocked to be asked that.  The request didn't come from any of the people in the picture.  I responded why? "Because neither of them associate with him" this meant that the wife and son do not associate with the estranged husband/ father or want to be associated with him." It's a very personal family matter".      I removed the photograph. 

Honestly all I was aware of his they were separated and as in most separations there are accusations.  I don't know the details.  Was it so horrific that they now want to erase any evidence that they knew each other or are family?  I removed the photograph from the group as requested, and it is not posted here.   

However doing so made me angry because I started to wonder when did we become so intolerant that a single photo can creates conflict.  And then I thought of other family members who are estranged and then questioned whether I shouldn't be posting pictures of them either.  Where will it end?  

My first instinct was to remove the entire Facebook group and close it down.  But on further consideration I decided to leave it and let the members to decide if it should be removed.  Another option is that I leave the group and allow someone else to manage it.  As I thought about the relationship among the members it occurred to me that many have distanced himself themselves from, each other going as far as removing and blocking each other in social media, essentially ghosting each other I don't want to  be put into a position of having to consider each photo I post and whether or not it will create conflict and upset, particularly if I don't know the whole story of every relationship in the family. 

Why I Created A Family Page

The question I asked myself today is why I created the family page in the first instance? It was with good intentions because at the time, a few years ago I was creating a database of our family tree after my Mom was admitted to long-term care upon breaking her hip.  She was then 87 years old.  I kept it going after raising the question of whether it should stay or if I should remove it after Mom passed at age 96.  Many family members expressly wanted it to stay.  It seemed a safe place for family to catch up on family news. I rotate the pictures of family in the group occasionally.  It was a way of helping a diverse family stay in touch throughout the years and to remember past times when we were all closer.

Early Years

My parents,  uncles and aunts

  

Growing up as the youngest girl with 10 brothers and five sisters what I valued most in my family is our humour and that no one took themselves seriously.  It is this seamless relationship between all of us that I miss. If we don't see each other for months we can pick up where we left off easily as though it  happened just days earlier without any awkwardness.   For the most part, we are accepting of each other and willing to help where possible. 

As I got older our relationships became more complicated.  divisions occurred for political reasons. instead of talking it through I was ostracized.  I was raised with the expectation that we respect our elders. I never witnessed any of us younger ones challenging or being disrespectful to an elder of the family or in the community.  Moreover we would not ever resort to swearing or calling names to our parents or anyone else for that matter.   I know my aunts and uncles were not saints.  No one is above making mistakes.  including and especially me. 

Furthermore, I don't recall anyone being so angry as to not speak with another member in the household, certainly not ghosting anyone.  Granted it wouldn't have happened then because you would see each other every day and be forced to work things out.  It is hard to ignore someone when you are a large family in a small house!

The behaviours we are now witnessing were adopted many years later when we all took to social media such as Facebook.   The nature of social media makes it easier not to work out disagreements face-to-face.  If you don't see each other face-to-face you don't have to take responsibility for freezing them out  and it is easier to remove and block. I know, I have been tempted myself sometimes but I nearly always resisted the urge to remove and block family. 

 The Cognitive Dissonance

What I am experiencing at the moment is noticing more and more nieces, nephews and cousins disrespecting aunts and uncles when individually they are good people and by and large they treat each other respectfully.  So why disrespect family? 

We are all learning during the pandemic there is no substitute for face-to-face interaction when we are dealing with emotional matters.  It is too easy to block a person, or respond with a few keystrokes in a moment of anger. It is harder to back away from a nasty comment when it is in black and white and they don't have the ability to hug or share a meal together and talk things out. 

Outsider

I left the family early and made a life for myself in Edmonton, attending University there and then working for a federal Commission in Ottawa, I got married and stayed in Ottawa.  When I moved to Ottawa I thought it was going to be for two or three years.  I have now been in Ottawa for 28 years.  

I don't believe my childhood created any identifiable trauma within the family.  However, I admit those of us who attended Residential School have trauma and we carried that trauma when we got older and passed it on to our children.  That is referred to as intergenerational trauma. This is  photograph of the residential school and church where trauma began for some of my family.   Not posting the picture in this particular blog will not change what happened.  But it might help us face what happen and acknowledging what happened can give us strength and purpose.   It is a matter of perspective.  It is part of our collective past and can explain how we behave in our present.  

 

 

As I unpacked my family relationship, I begin to consider that I might indeed be an outsider now.  Because it is an explanation of the disrespect I felt.  It is easier to throw assaults on someone you considered outside your group, similar to the cliques in high school.  The popular kids would view other kids as not meeting their expectation to be allowed in their group. 

When you create division, it is easier to see the others as "them and us" where even the word "family" holds less power.  That said most of the family I feel respect and accept me.  But there are some who hold the view that I am judgmental, and that is okay.  

I can be open to the possibility that I may sometimes be judgmental, to be seen as  on a high horse, dispensing disapproval, even.  It is a possibility that some hold that truth.   The one distinction that sets me apart from most of the family is that I have never been addicted to drugs or alcohol. I never saw the sense of what people call "partying".  That doesn't mean I looked down on those who have problems with addiction, or that I didn't understand their struggle. I made other choices.  As a further unpacked my relationship with my family I considered that perhaps my online presence created some of the disconnect.  

My Online Presence

I believe that my online presence is authentic. I don't intentionally post a false betrayal of my life and I certainly don't post with the intention to brag about my life or make others feel as their lives are lacking.  I will not apologize for having made the right choices in my life and creating a life that is drama free.  I accentuate the positive aspects of my life.  I could post about my medical challenges.  I could bemoan the fact that I live in a remote place and I have not been able to drive a car for years after losing my license because of medical reasons and I now have to depend on others to take me to appointments.  But that is not why I blog  or why I post on social media.   In particular, blogging is how I process what happens in my life.  What I post on Facebook are memories and insights I enjoy sharing.  

Most of my online post are of the beautiful view of the Ottawa River from my living room.  It is something I value.  I hold nature and the environment in a high importance because of the beauty and happiness it brings me. I assure you it is not to brag but rather to share and hope that it brings you happiness as well.  It is a spectacular view and even more extraordinary in person seeing it with the naked eye.  I feel some members of the family may see that and perhaps think of me as one of the fortunate ones.  Indeed, I am extremely grateful in particular for the view I see every day and generally for my life which affords me a drama free existence.   I like that I am always looking at the positive aspects of my life. 

As a longtime meditator I know that I have created an inner awareness peace and discipline. I am able to reflect and respond and not overreact to perceived slights perhaps being aware and in control of my emotions might appear to be a threat and others may receive it as I feel superior to them. But I am confident in who I am, being raised in a large family I wound up being compassionate.  And it is just one of the many facets of who I choose to be.

Conclusion

I am absolutely a complex human being, as most of us are. I can be ironic and at the same time I am genuine and  authentic.  Earlier this week I decided to limit which family members I accept into my life, not because I'm better than anyone but just because I want to limit conflict. 

Family dynamics can be a minefield and we have to tread carefully if we don't want to be blown up. I'm extremely grateful for my upbringing coming from a large family and I have developed tools to navigate conflicts and they serve me well.  we are born into our family for the most part.  Remembering that we all  make mistakes will help us have more compassion and acceptance.  

My Perspective

As an avid reader, recently I have read a number of books written by Holocaust survivors and children of murdered Jewish families.   What struck me was their immense capacity to forgive the atrocities done to them.   It is mind-boggling because of the contrasts between that forgiveness and inflated petty accusations from family members.  

One of the first Holocaust related books I read is Man's Search For Meaning is a 1946 book by Viktor Frankl, chronicling his experiences as a prisoner in Nazi concentration camps during World War II, and describing his psychotherapeutic method, which involved identifying a purpose in life to feel positive about, and then immersively imagining that outcome.  Another is The Gift by Edith Eger.  Both her parents were killed on the day they arrived at the concentration camp.  She  reveals our capacity to transcend even the greatest of horrors and to use that suffering to the benefit of others and in doing that she finds freedom.  What I got from these books is that bad things will happen, indeed horrific and terrible things will happen. It is how you react to the events that matters.  Your perspective that will save you.  What Frankl says is that no matter what happens to you, you always have a choice and the the ability to change your perspective, to give it meaning and purpose and use that to give you strength to endure.  After my medical crisis it was those words that helped me regain my strength.

My big sister, Mary and me when she visited a few years ago

Ottawa River with a portion cleared for skating  02/2021

The view from my window

 My late mom and my son, Andrew, her last grandchild. 

An older brother, Fred and older sister, Annie Mercredi 

My late uncle and aunt, a cousin,  Norma Jean,  and my nephew Dean

Me, my son, Mom, my daughter and granddaughter

 

Family group of the Males with Mom 

Family group at mom's 93rd Birthday Females 

 

FAMILY IS IN OUR HEART

Perspective - FAMILY Love  

The week of MAY 13, 2019 I traveled to Fort McMurray, Alberta to attend a family funeral for my eldest sister’s husband, Frank.  It was a sad occasion, as all passings tend to be, but it bought our family together to support our sister, as funerals generally do.  And it gave me rise for reflection about the person who passed, our own mortality, and family. I often think about the blessing of coming from a large family. Sure, we have disagreements, but we respect each other.

I was fortunate to be met with love and acceptance by all the family.   It felt great, and   I basked in the glow of that feeling. It might be because I am their baby sister that I often get so much love from family. I don’t question it; I enjoy it.  

As I observed my family over the course of the week I noticed that, unfortunately, not everyone is treated with the same acceptance. I decided to reflect on my reactions to family dynamics.  Indeed, it goes without saying in every family there are those who are seen as whacky, or bothersome, as someone to be avoided, like that weird uncle, and so on. I may be one to avoid because of my observation. 

For example, one of my brothers is shunned, by some  They may have their reasons, but in my humble opinion I think they are missing out in some good teachings’, even if it is only to accept him. To be able to accept another, including their shortcomings, is a valuable teaching. At times we only look for short comings. We look for anything that supports our view of that person. We don't pick up the phone to call for clarification. We are happy that we got the evidence to support what we already believe. And it is ok. We let anger  and hate lead us.  

Honestly, my first reaction is to go along with everyone. It is easier than defending the person. Because minds are made up.  However, I didn’t like how it made me feel. I pride myself on being authentic and always acting with integrity. Going along with disparaging characterizations, even if true to them, just to keep the peace, for me is not acting with integrity.

I made a commitment to myself to work hard to accept everyone, all family, and to stand up for them, even if that became uncomfortable for me.  Just like I did for my mother. When I made an attempt to defend my brother, it was met with disdain: “Naw he is challenging, and he should take care of his family before putting his nose in our business,” was the irritated response. In fact some may not like this post. But it is truthful. Most importantly it is my point of view.We are entitled to our perspective. 

No one is perfect, including me. But I believe in walking our talk. The first opportunity I got was after we left the funeral. At the establishment where the meal was arranged everyone was responsible to pay for their own meal.  Which is OK. We are a large family. However A small group of the family were about to leave because they could not afford it.  I wanted them to stay, to support my grieving sister, so I offered to pay for their lunch. The initial response was: “No, it is too much!” But I insisted, and they accepted. There were 14 of them. I observed them eating and sharing stories, laughing among themselves.  It made me feel good, that I was instrumental in their happiness and feelings of acceptance by everyone. That is what family is about.  I didn’t do it for recognition or thanks. I did it because we are family. I did it quietly, without announcement. 

And, the next day my 75 year old brother showed up at my hotel, I welcomed him with an open heart. I chose to see him for his intention and that he wanted to hang out with me. He had no other motive than to visit and spend time with me because he loves me. I get it.  I appreciated that he wanted to spend time with me. He came to the hotel three days in a row. Some of you might groan, but we had  good discussions, and I enjoyed our visits. We went for a nice walk and talked. It was a nice day.  My perspective is to take from our visits the good feeling that come with wanting to share time with someone you value.

I don’t always agree with him. In fact, I don't really understand him most of the time.   He is from another generation. He has interesting views on gender roles based on Denesuline tradition, which I find somewhat old-fashioned.   But knowing what he does and says comes from a place of love makes it acceptable.  He genuinely means no harm and has good intentions and a good heart.  It was lovely hearing his stories of bygone days.  

The highlight of my visit was a picnic by the lake with my sisters. It was my brother Fred’s idea that I visit Dora, and he paid my taxi fare to go to her place. When I got there, she was getting ready to go. And then she invited me along.  

To learn from an elder, you first must be open to the teaching. Be enthusiastic to learn. Have an active will to put the teaching into action and most importantly stick to what you learn. Reflect on the teachings. See if it is for you.   

My take away of our visits are (I observed by watching and listening to my brother)

1.    He loves his wife and sons

2.    Was taught by Dene elders as a child

3.    Was a Dene translator for elders  

4.    He can pass on stories of those who passed, like from our relatives in Fond Du Lac, Saskatchewan

5.    He can transfer cultural protocols

6.    He is caring and generous

7.    He is encouraging

8.    He has a good sense of humor

9.    He does not take himself seriously

10.He loves to read.

11.His Denesuline knowledge will die with him (Especially if younger people don’t spend time with him now) And that will be a real loss!

The lessons I learned from him are based on the foundation of Dene Laws and are:

1.    Be open-minded

2.    It is good to share a meal together

3.    Listen carefully

4.    Be present

5.    Don’t gossip about other family members

6.    Be kind

7.    Share what you have with others

8.    Help one another

9.    Be compassionate

INDIAN BEACH

Perspective - FAMILY Love  

ANDREW

LIZ

OWEN / LISA 

DORA

Perspective from the Chair

It has been just over two weeks since injuring my knee. And, because I could not put weight on it, I have been using a wheelchair to get around.  I am grateful to be able to afford renting a wheelchair for a couple of weeks, and I am now able to bear weight on my knee and have been practicing walking. I am more determined than ever to strengthen my knee and again get mobile on my own two legs.

As a blogger, it occurred to me to document how I have felt over the last couple weeks.   

Depending on others for even the most basic tasks is foreign to me.  I believe that my doctor must have sensed this difficulty in our last appointment because he urged me not to be alone and to make arrangements for either someone to be with me or for me to stay with someone when hubby had to be away on business. He called me to ask if I had made arrangements a couple of days after the appointment.  At that moment I was cognizant of how important it was to my healing.  And I fully understood his apprehension, because at this point, he knew me well enough to know that I have a strong independent streak which might get me in trouble if I were to push my independence beyond my abilities and have an accident, and that of course would set me back even further.       

Honestly, this has been a very difficult period for me, even more difficult than not being able to drive because of my stroke. At the same time, this has been an interesting experience, which confirmed how bullheaded I could be.  If indeed there was ever a question about that!    

We take for granted so many things when they are operating properly.  Being forced to use a wheelchair has changed my perspective regarding those with mobility challenges. However, in my case this is temporary. That said, I have been routinely checking access in public places, like restaurants and stores.  Before I ventured out I would check if there are impediments for access at our destination. I was very mindful of asking for help and would only ask for help as a last resort. But at the same time, I resented being in a position to have to ask for help. Accepting a need to ask for help is difficult for me at the best of times – a trait that I share with hubby!

Apart from my reluctance to ask for help, the more difficult part was to overcome my fear of pain when I began to walk. Fear is an interesting emotion, because it prevents you from moving forward because you may encounter whatever your rationalized fear, when in fact moving forward will eventually diminish that fear.  Fear literally stopped me, even in spite of being fully aware that succumbing to my fear would create a host of other problems and perhaps jeopardize my healing.  fear at best is an irrational thought. I made a decision not to be practicing to walk without supervision. I had to be smart and incorporate balance, my need for independence and my need to be safe and to only do things that encouraged healing adhering to my doctor’s apprehension regarding my safety.        

Most of us take our legs for granted, like I did. Like anything we don't appreciate what it would be like if we lost the use of it, until it occurs. Normal everyday tasks become obstacles to be dealt with.   Even being able to reach for items in upper cupboards was a challenge. Being able to turn the knobs on the stove was also a challenge.  Even opening doors became a problem. Simply taking a cup of tea into another room to watch TV was problematic too. It is eye-opening to discover how many things I took for granted that required using both legs. And, doing little tasks in the kitchen became monumental. For example, when I wash dishes, my low position in the wheelchair causes water to drift down my arms and on to my shirt, and putting dishes away took more time to go around the island counter to the other side. (Fortunately, hubby doesn't complain about doing dishes.)

No one thinks about how they will cope if they couldn't use their leg, when they have very capable legs. And if they have, I assure you the reality is much different.  It will be both a physical and a mental adjustment, there is no avoiding that.   One time I slipped out of my wheelchair overreaching for an item that fell on the floor, but luckily Andrew was home at the time and he was able to come to my rescue.   I was able to lift myself up using my arms onto the chair again while he supported it. 

However, what I found really interesting is how people treated me. I don't mean in a negative way; people at their core are very compassionate.  However, they unconsciously begin to treat you as though you are a child. Calling me “dear”, or “sweetie”, although this could simply appear to be terms of endearment, but it felt as if I was being assumed to be not capable or fully adult. And, if you know anything about me, you will know that I can be stubborn, and very capable, making me perhaps overly sensitive.

In any case, I will do for myself before asking for help. During this period, I found myself missing my late brother Samuel. Because I know that if I had called him, he would have been here on the next plane, no questions asked. And he would have been happy to do it. However, the reality is even though I have a large family they all have their own lives and for me to ask for this type of help would have been a real inconvenience to them. I am fortunate to have people around, though, that are very helpful.

I am grateful that I was able to get through this on my own, with a bit of help from hubby, and my son, Andrew. At the end of the day, what I am most grateful for is that this is a temporary condition. This cannot be emphasised enough.  And, every day I am grateful to be in a relationship that is supportive. Hubby even organised his schedule to ensure he was home with me more often. I appreciate and am grateful to the clients who understood the difficulty we were having and accommodated his request.

The lessons that I have learned by this experience is to ask for help and the knowledge that friends who showed up to help really did so out of their kindness and compassion, like my good friend Khalid. I am so grateful for that.

Fortuitously we remodeled the bathroom last year, and it was immensely helpful in my daily routine because I knew I was absolutely safe in the shower, and that is the utmost awesome feeling, which is priceless. I am grateful for that.

My experience with the wheelchair has made me more compassionate towards people who depend on wheelchairs to get around permanently. And I am more keenly aware of obstacles for access in public places.  I have only used a wheelchair for two weeks, but it felt more like months.

I really didn't need this experience after dealing with the effects of having a stroke last year, but once again, the fact that I am a meditator has served me well in how I managed this latest bit of difficulty and it helped me maintained my humour and cheerfulness. At the end of the day, I am not a victim. I am resilient and resourceful.  My setback is minor compared to what many others have to deal with daily.  I am deeply grateful for the support I have at home.

When faced with an unexpected physical crisis what you need are:

1.     Love

2.     Support

3.     Laughter

4.     Netflix

5.     Friends who bring tea and conversation

6.     Music

7.     Podcasts

8.     Meditation

Postscript - Hubby’s perspective

Hi, Hubby here.  Reading this post makes me reflect on how this temporary struggle has affected me as a hubby and our relationship.  After 26 years of marriage you tend to have settles into routines and you tend to have agreed on a domestic division of labour that becomes more or less automatic. If your better half is independent, sweet, kind but at the same time stubborn, and you are a person who tends to be less forthcoming about your feelings, your conduct and expectations of each other adapt themselves to those traits.

When that independent, sweet, kind and stubborn person is confined to a wheelchair, strains develop.  She is confined to bed much of the time, and as she has written, even getting around the house presents challenges and frustrations.  My first reaction was to want to stay home and be as helpful as possible.  But I have a busy law practice to keep going that requires me to travel to client meetings.  I don’t much like cooking, but I had to be the cook.  Add to that that I am now the only driver in the family, and the little strains begin to mount.  As I mentioned, I am a person who bottles up my frustrations until they burst out all at once, usually at home, because I can’t express them with clients.  So that has been a bit of a problem.  Little frustrations can expand into bigger resentments.  With us these don’t last, however.  And that is a key to our success as a couple. 

Some aspects of the experience have not bothered me in the least.  Not only do I not mind pushing her wheelchair and helping her into the shower or the car, but I enjoy the simple feeling of being a help to her.  I have always lived with a sneaking suspicion that over the course of the last 26 years she has done more for me than I have for her, and this gives me a pleasant sensation of evening the ledger. 

One of the nice things has been that on the occasions that I couldn’t reschedule a business trip, better half has been able to come with me, and we have had some nice little spontaneous outings.  This is when her sweetness comes to the fore.  Little things like a dinner out or just a drive will break the monotony of a wheelchair bound life.  It gives us space to just be together with a bit of a change of scenery.

I agree with better half’s list of what is needed to survive a medical crisis.  For the other spouse, you will have to draw on your patience and your capacity to empathize with the other person.  It is a temporary test of your love, and I think on the whole we have managed it rather well.