Sunday, January 31, 2016

We Should Be Growing Old Together...

This piece is fiction. But it is an inevitable scenario when dealing with someone who is an alcoholic or has a drug addiction.  

I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day it is found is the day I will stop missing you. - Unknown

It shattered my world when you died. The news of your death sucked the air out of me, I couldn’t breathe. The world as I knew it changed forever in an instant. I thought I couldn’t experience any worse pain. However, this pain is excruciating, unbearable.   Tears cascade down my face as I try to process that your beautiful spirit is on its final journey home.

I’ve got to breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

You’ve struggled most your life. But the fact that you never accepted how very much you meant to all of our family and how deeply you were loved and admired was your downfall. The last few weeks before your death, I got emails on a daily basis asking me how you’re doing.

I totally understand you were unable to deal with the unfathomable pain, helplessness and loneliness you felt. You also felt that family didn’t support you, but each one of us did. You’ll never know the impact you had on everyone of us. You have inspired me in many ways, by your strength, tenacity, and authenticity.

I was your champion. I championed for you unconditionally. I really wanted you to kick this alcohol disease in the butt. I felt, if anyone can do it, you could. You were the only one bad assed enough to do it.  Sadly, I was wrong.  You gave up like you had no more fight left in you.

We had so many conversations about how this addiction had controlled and consumed other people you loved. How helpless and hopeless you felt to help them. Too many tears you shed over them. You felt they would fall victim to it and would die too young because of it.  I know the agony was a burden too great for you to carry alone. Ironically, it is you who fell into the dark hole of despair and had no strength left in you to climb out of it.

I was truly blessed to have had you in my life. We chatted…disagreed sometimes…but laughed more…we shared stories…but one thing for sure, I know, …we LOVED.  Your strength and your wisdom will always guide me forward.  I know you loved me dearly and would do anything for me. But the one thing I really wanted was for you to live and grow old with me, but you couldn’t do that for me.

I can’t stop the tears and I can’t breathe. I am broken into a million pieces.
 
This didn’t need to happen.  Life could have been different. You and I would visit, have tea and tell stories.  We should have grown old together, two little old ladies laughing about our adventures or misadventures.  Talking about our great-great grandchildren and how kids these days don’t know anything. You would write in your journal to leave a legacy for your descendants. Words, of wisdom, to guide their life.


It could still happen. Maybe. Hopefully. My wish. This is a nightmare and I want to wake up now and have the life we should be having. We should be growing old together. We should be…

4 comments:

DUTA said...

Very touching!
It reminds me of a post you wrote some two - three years ago about someone in your family who fell very ill because of her addiction to alcohol. I don't remember an update to that post. I do remember I was curious whether she made it, if she overcame illness and addiction, but I was afraid to ask.

Anyway, alcoholism is a terrible addiction and it afflicts many people in many countries. There should be a solution to this; people should not be left alone in their struggle against this addiction.

Angelina Pratt said...

Duta

Yes, that was my niece and thankfully she has been sober since that particular incident. This blog piece was written for people in mind who are with a love one who is struggling with addiction. Often they don't think about how their behavior affects those closes to them. I agree, they should not be left alone with their addiction.

Barbara-Marie Grant said...

Angelina you have an incredible way with words, of expressing your feelings!! That first paragraph and the second short line Express EXACTLY how I felt when I lost someone close to me, but I couldnt put it into words. Reading that paragraph brought it all back to me in a heartbeat.
And alcoholism....yes....a shockingly destructive addiction! I said goodbye to someone very dear to me at the time, about five years ago, because I could not deal with the cruel words that came from him when he was drinking. I wanted with all my heart to help him, but eventually came to the realisation that an alcoholic cannot be helped unless they WANT to be helped. It is a sickness....a disease....something that often no amount of love can cure. Keep writing Angelina.....your words are sensitive and beautiful.....

Angelina Pratt said...

Thank you Barbara! I am please that the person I had in mind when I wrote this quit drinking and has not taken another drink since reading this blog post. I am so grateful to have help in that life changing moment.

Be Well.

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